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Peanut Butter.

2009-07-18T23:08:00.002+08:00

You leave me with question marks in my head.
Sometimes i wanna cry for you, sometimes i wanna laugh at you.

Peanut butter,

If you are ever so sticky, (like as proven to be) will you please donate some to me so i can play some darts? Or better still, pull the both of us together and let us get uncontrollably stuck to one another. Yayness!

Really..

Where is your magic, peanut butter?
Oh how i miss my peanut butter...

Eyes closed, hands held.

2009-06-09T23:47:00.003+08:00

I love u bee.
I'm holding on tight,
and i'm not gonna let you down.

I'll give you everything.
Everything.

i dont.

2009-05-31T22:00:00.002+08:00

I dont need to rely on others.
I dont need to feel emotional.
I dont need to cry after being punched in the face.
I dont need to go on and on about what youve done wrong.
I dont need to whine or bitch like a dumb blonde.
I dont need to dress up all frilly and pretty to show you i'm hot.

Do not mess with me.
I train and i work hard.
I know that i am sexy and i dont need anyone to tell me so.
You cant have my body anyways..

So fuck off.

Symmetry.

2009-05-22T23:21:00.002+08:00

Symmetry - Mew

Listen to music here.

I'm caught in the symmetry of your mind,
But I'm not happier than you.

I'm caught in the symmetry of your mind,
But I'm not happier than you.

Did I really see you, or was it a dream?

In that it was seamless,
Not a trace of wrong.

Words that we have spoken
Little did we know

No bigotry, no tears shed.
Oh, if only...

You tried to be polite,
Thinking you were right,
Only to find that you're unkind.

But ironically,
You will always be
Belle of the ball,
At least to me.

I'm caught in the symmetry of your mind,
But I'm not happier than you.

But my words are frail, not
Audible, they do...

Not even convince me.
Perhaps they are untrue.

Truly with you the worst is
Always true, and I gave

You all the benefits,
Of all the doubts I had.

Never hope to be
As benign as me.
Funny how you
Always get through.

But ironically,
You will always be
Belle of the ball,
At least to me.
:D

She shall rise again.

2009-05-15T21:43:00.003+08:00

Went swimming. The first time in gazillion years. It was seriously refreshing. Thought about lotsa things and it helped.

When i wanted to do something before, i would only do it if someone does it with me. For instance if i wanted to go to the gym, id only go if i had company. Right now, i shop alone, tan alone, swim alone and what else? Maybe in the future, i'll conquer bukit timah hill alone. :) It is perfect.

I'm gonna hold your hand tighter. I'm gonna kiss you harder. Im gonna trust and love you like i never have before.

I am gonna handle my own life. I no longer wake at 12pm on my off days coz i dont wanna waste my mornings. My off days will be spent under the sun, washing my clothes, tidying up my room and running little errands for myself. I will not let you complain - or rather, there will be no room for anymore complaints from you because i will be, more responsible. I will make myself be that. If i really want it, i can get it done.

Honestly, i feel doing a bit of sports regularly really helps me in life. Somehow it just links you know? (Shit it's complicated to explain) Before, i was like really lazy. Sleeping till late afternoon, hanging with friends at starbucks over coffee till late. I just got lazier and lazier. I guess i hafta cross over challenges in a sport. And that kinda helps me in my current life. More outdoors! Mozzies beware! I'm no longer afraid of you! ARrRrr! :D

2009-05-15T00:12:00.002+08:00

Passed by this usual playground with two cute little swings on the way back home. Thought id just give it a go. Closed my eyes and the feeling immediately blew me away. I felt like pushing myself as high as i could, then let myself go, to see where the wind would take me. I wonder how itll feel like, just letting the wind guide me. And i'll be floating, drifting..

I like being happy. At least i try my best to be. Anything negative will be pushed aside and will be ignored, despite knowing the fact that it wont disappear. Now i understand why introverts are introverts, or why losers are losers. If they speak up, then they will be laughed at. That's what they're so afraid of.

Maybe i should cut the cord or something. I'm too heavy to carry aren't i? Just give me a nudge. Let me know. I wont toss the dice anymore.

So fast, and its already a friday.

i think my poetry's so poser.

2009-05-13T23:32:00.004+08:00

So puzzling.
Zero intention to ignite a spark.
Amazing how nothing leads to something.

The chorus is deafening.
It is throbbing like a spear,
Right through my chest.

Hits me again and again.
Embrace it again and again.
Ice, numbs you again and again.

Fickle bites into your skin.
A flu that comes and goes.
The pages left unturned.

Why?
Our beautiful planet is round.
Unpredictable are the souls that live.

So hot and warm.
So addictive, so desirable.
So pretty, so feared.

The intangible progresses,
It is peaceful and fruitful.
To be tangible, it's uncertain.

Enough.

The eyes are ready, to admit defeat
from the earlier trials of the day.
Goodnight lovelies.
Goodnight honeybees.
i love you.

words mean nothing.

2009-05-11T23:49:00.003+08:00

i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

Touch.
Let your hands disappear underneath.
On fire.
It burns. It hurts.

Selfish.
I want to hold onto your hands forever.
And ever.
And ever. It hurts.

i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

Smile.
The things we do to make us laugh.
Sacrificed and unexplained.
You.

Tried my hardest,
Honeybee.
Stings,
To know itll never be july again.

Still.

i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

Honeybee.

Avril Lavigne forgets to tie her shoelaces.

2009-05-11T22:42:00.003+08:00

Nothing will ever be smooth sailing in this life. Who doesn't know that? But there are just so many rocks obstructing your view; some are hidden and some suddenly gets in your way. How do you pass these things, really? You don't shield yourself from them, although you know they can really injure you. Maybe it's because you owe them everything and it's your fault everything is this way. Are you gonna open your eyes?

How many times does it have to repeat itself? You just don't know how to prevent things from fucking up do you? You just let it fly past without any goodbyes and pray hard things would get better. This is not the Animaniacs babe.

Now you start to shiver. Now you feel it don't you? It's like you're in a friggin freezer, but you're still trying to rub your hands together nevertheless and it doesn't change the fact that you're in a freezer. You're trying but no one believes that you are. It's happening too often, i doubt you even remember what the real deal is anymore.

Give it up already.

You should cycle more often. It helps kill most of the negative cells in your body. The off roads, the scenery, the adrenaline, the nature, the confidence. Man, you just wish you could share this with.....

You've taught yourself not to cry. Be careful coz you might just forget how to.. Don't let it sink in..

I wish i was Harry Potter.

2009-05-06T23:12:00.004+08:00

I predict, lotsa high and really sharp bumps ahead. I also predict alot of things unexplainable to be well, still unexplainable. Ha.

Hello there. It's the time of the year again. No it's not Christmas nor is it my birthday. Suddenly, the tension is sinking in and it seems harder to get through obstacles. Oh well.. I'm PMSing..

Idiot.

Make up your mind where you wanna go bitch. Cant really compare or say much since ive done far worse to you in my life. Yes, words cut like a knife but ive gotta make do. Brain's gone really dead coz somehow i cant really think anymore. It's either this or that. Sometimes it's not even what i want.

Gotta start enjoying each day. gotta start looking forward to good days. Also, i gotta not take things too seriously or id just get bitten deeper.

Hey hey, my my.

Hell hole.

2009-05-02T01:45:00.004+08:00

Fuck you.
Cant you ever keep your bloody mouth shut?
This house is like a prison cell. It's like you'd rather watch me die, than to give me one last breath.

How am i ever gonna fucking grow up when you hold on to me so tightly, like a leash. There's so many things i cannot do, and yet i wish for so much, i wish to get out and go far away.

Cant do this, cant do that. Cant ride my bicycle, cant have it in the house. How fucking clean do you want it to be? Spotless? Why dont you try to clean it?! Be thankful that i dont bring it into the house with muddy wheels. You havent seen it "dirty" before so please, shut up.

Yes.

I am a bad child. I am not filial. i dont care about you. All i want is your money. I dont give a shit about this family. I am a slut. I sleep with whoever i like.

Yes. Call me names.

If what you think makes you happy. Then so be it. I know you know me. But maybe you havent paid much close attention. I try to kep my mouth shut but you go on and on. Just what do you want from me? My life? Youre already possessing it. Money? Fine.. Take it. I hate money. Coz it makes you react this way. Will you be happy if i give you my entire salary? Just open your mouth and say it. Thank you.

Ps: In an angry state here. Just ranting and ranting and ranting. I'll be fine and back to normal once i hit the "publish post" button. May even prolly delete it after today. Parental advisory. Xie xie.

Damn.

2009-04-24T00:02:00.000+08:00

Sigh..
I miss him.

Just so yesterday.

2009-04-03T22:03:00.003+08:00

The past few days have been a breeze. Somehow, i've been waking up in the morning with only one thing on my mind - Abby. Didn't really understand why i haven't been able to wake up before. Maybe i just couldn't accept the fact that i have been unaccepted, been taken advantage of and been lied to. But no way, no way am i gonna let that bring me down. I don't need you guys in my life. I deserve so much better than that.

Anyways, enough of yesterdays. All i wanna do now is to improve myself, and maybe do new stuffs. There's so much that i feel i should do, especially with Abby. I didn't use to understand, or take my time to educate myself about what he loved doing. Every time he tells me about his bicycles, his bikes or his math, i have this dumb blur look on my face. All i wanted to do before was my music, my music and my music. I guess coz most of my boyfriends were musicians, i had this natural instinct that i should do music as well (i'm not saying i'm not naturally inclined to it). Every relationship is different. Abby is not a musician (although he plays guitar) but i love him the same, hence i try to be interested in something he loves doing. And that is why i am thankful i love bikes!

"Somebody", used to complain, asking me why i'm always talking about bikes and blamed Abby for the influence. He said i've changed and no longer talked about my music or my drumming anymore. Well to that "somebody", i love bikes and i love riding them but it doesn't mean i've completely forsaken my drumming. It does not mean i've changed. I hope that explains it. Now go away and play fetch with your vicious puppy. *Growls!*

Right now, i feel so light and refreshed, like all my burdens have been lifted. I am so ready to take on new challenges and experience this new era of my life. I've been so oblivious to so many things before, it's time to open my eyes - open it wide! I'm gonna take time to explore the insides of my baby's head, understand him better, embrace him like i've never had. I'm contented with what i have now, and i gotta make full use of it! It doesn't matter whether i'm in a band, writing and performing or on the tracks riding some big ass motorcycle. As long as i am with the person i love, i am happy! :D

Booked my coming Traffic Police Test for my Class 2B licence. I have one more month to get ready. Once i pass, Kawasaki KSR here i come! Then, i can go off road with baby.. Ooo! I am so gonna go to Tristan Park with baby next month. Fun fun fun going off road on those cute little pit bikes!

Mwacks! I never regretted loving you. :D

X and Y.

2009-03-28T12:32:00.003+08:00

You know what's the difference between you and i? I don't see the point in arguing, and i just leave things as it is. I don't get my revenge because i think it is pointless and it doesn't resolve shit. For you, something has to be done. You'd either go all out and let that person know right in the face that you aren't happy. If you don't get what you want, you'd insist until you do, which would only make things worse. How long were we friends? I'm sure you know me better. Whatever that i've thought about, or blogged about, don't take it too literally. I do feel angry at first. But i let it go. Thats why all i did was stare at you, not saying a word to defend myself. That's how i am. If it's pointless, then it's pointless. No use explaining.

Omg, you're so vicious. Well at least it's sexy to certain people. *Er hems*

My imaginary friend wanted to play the guitar today, but i stopped him. The only chords he's able to play is Em, C, G and D. Haha, loser! So he ended up strumming elsewhere instead. Anyways, i've decided to call him Lenny. Named after this computer game character. He only wears bermudas and he has this squeaky high pitched voice. I find him amusing coz he's really skinny and he has an afro. So cute! Lenny's urging me to songwrite again, but everytime i do, i never complete it coz i'd just give up halfway. Gotta try harder!

To all the stuff i dumped last night, i hope you'd all have a better life. :)

If only my heart has got wings.

2009-03-27T16:24:00.003+08:00

Do what you want to me coz my heart never lies. Do you really know me as you said you have? I'm sick of the fighting, and the arguments. Only i know what my heart says. Going against you is pointless. If you think it would resolve everything, then sue me. :D You seem to have forgotten what i've told you countless times. (Gawd! Thats what bee always say to me! :P ) FYI, i'm not retaliating. What's over is over. Just one time, and thats it.

I am sick. Woke up to a fever at 3am. Forced myself outta bed and downed 2 Panadols with warm water before going back to bed. I am so not gonna miss work. Felt better on the way to work, but the fever comes and goes. Plus, ive already been to the toilet more than 5 times. Just how many times do i hafta take a crap man?! Thank God i ain't working on the weekend. Planned to catch the BayBeats auditions at the Esplanade after i've cleaned out my room but i guess i hafta cancel. Drink lotsa water Ev! :D

Ps: Eva's just got an imaginary friend. And he's the best friend ever! :D

Cleaning up my closest.

2009-03-26T21:40:00.002+08:00

Hmm..
It's been a week since ive totally lost my best friend. I dont think anyone would care - i dont think that person cares either. It's just another day. You are smiling, walking hand in hand and oblivious to shit. You'd never spare a thought. Am gonna clear my cupboards this weekend. So much to clean out, so much shit to discard of. I should have done this a long time ago i guess. I wonder why i delayed these actions. Thought about burning all the useless stuffs, but i dun wanna set anything bigger on fire, nor do i wanna burn another big hole in the ozone layer. Also thought about dumping the shits at your doorstep at midnight, but no way am i going near your crib or risk bumping into you. Decided to just do it the traditional heartland-ish way; dump my rubbish on the first floor rubbish bin. :D

Bye bye Tammy the turtle. I'm sorry i've gotta abandon you, but it's only for my own good. I'm sure some nice cute couple would give you a better home. Living in my overcrowded cupboard ain't comfy either i know so, stop frowning at me and pull your cheeks up! And i dont need my Zildjian trucker cap anymore since i hardly have any headgear on. (Although soon i know i'll hafta put on a helmet almost all the time!) I still needa keep my snare drum though. It stays with me! Hmph! Fuck off.

Cant wait to just embrace myself in the intangible touch of live music. Its been so long since ive been to a gig and my weekends are free, so why waste them right? It's great to do things by yourself. I wouldnt label myself a loner. I enjoy being alone. I dont have to listen to suggestions of whomever's with me. I just make my own decisions, and i am queen. Just like what Joel said, "i walk alone, i die alone". Well, i dont really wanna die alone coz that'll make me really pathetic though.

Joel Joel.. Thanks for wanting to drop by and see me, although i didnt see you.. But i really didnt see you! Wasnt pretending! I guess im not the only one with a shitty personal life huh? I wish you could share them with me so we'd be even. I really dont mind listening you know.. Suddenly i feel like having a cuppa with you. So stop being cold to me!! :P

I WILL get my class 2B licence in two mnths! Confidence is the key! :D Yayness!

Emo - A type of sickness?

2009-03-25T16:14:00.004+08:00

I read in the newspapers this morning (i read a few. Namely TNP, The Straits Times and Today.) that this "ang moh" fella tried to kill his thai wife by throwing her out the window, causing her to fall four stories down. Apparently, he didnt know he did all these shit coz he was in drunken stupor, plus he was suffering from some kinda depression. His wife, despite what he did, stood by her man and forgave him, even visiting him in jail daily. She believed it was really accidental and that he never meant to hurt her. They have been married for nine frigging years. Amazing what love does, huh? She could have died for goodness sake! Omgawd.

I guess he didnt realize he was under depression until that freak accident. But anyways, how does one know? If i've just broken up with my boyfriend of one month and i cry every night to sleep, do i need medication to calm myself down? Will i need a doctor to advice me? Maybe if i could just tell myself everything will be okay, or that the world would be so much better without that jerk around, i'd stop my tears from flowing. It is just so dramatic and not to mention, pathetic. Just stop caring about these insignificant little things that's just gonna ruin your life and you'd always have a big smile on your face. Yayness! :D

This old "healthy looking" lady fell on the train tracks at clementi yesterday morning as i was getting ready for work. Well, when it's time to go, it is time to go. No one can defy that. Maybe she had serious depression as well but just didnt know it. :P

I've been living in this caccoon for as long as i can remember. Eva is anti-social. Eva is shy. Eva is ignorant. Eva always needs to depend on someone. Eva doesnt know how to react to certain situations. Eva doesnt have a life. Eva is this and that. That and this. Shut up! I mean, i am me and that's how it goes. Right now, Eva is imagining soft cottony clouds right below her and she is tempted to fall back. Such a soft and comfy landing..

I am me.

2009-03-24T18:09:00.003+08:00

I'm turning twenty two in august, and yet i still feel as youthful as ever. Might not be such a good thing after all, since im expected to be more mature, responsible, reactive and whatnots. Somehow my mind refuses to grow up, as much as i want to. When you are young, you do not give a care in the world. You can laugh and make fun of stupid things and nothing matters to you. But love, it means everything to you and you think you are so deeply in love. You desperately want things to work, and you think youre gonna have his babies. How nice it was and is to be young, dont you think?

I really wonder what goes around in a young person's life now. Some spend their weeknights partying, getting drunk and having fuckfests. Well i wouldnt know coz i was busy jamming and gigging and studying at that age. Why would you wanna get banged by ppl whom youve only met for a mere few seconds? So what if she's hot, has got a nice ass, or humongous fake boobs injected with silicone? Just what is sex to you? You dont have to flaunt it. Sex is an amazing "invention" by God, really. It's when two people intertwine and become one. That's where all the chemistry and bonding all get involved. If you feel awkward and if your mind is thinking of that fella's abs when youre making out, then sorry, youre a fucking asshole. Dont just concentrate on my ass or my curves. I wanna know how you feel in your heart when youre making love to me.

Im still in search for that something to fill that emptiness. Dont know what's missing, but im not that eager to find out either. Maybe i just need a holiday or some kinda adrenaline to shake me up a bit. Which reminds me.. Mum's going to Japan on the first week of April. Lucky woman. She gets to feast on airplane food while i get stuck with eating expired sandwiches at work. I swear im so gonna go on a holiday once ive saved enough for my bike. I remember when i was a kid, my family went to Gold Coast Australia. On the plane, kids were given free toys and stuff. (Sorry, arcade electronic games were not yet installed on such flights.) I had like this old school popular game called "Mastermind" i think. This "mastermind" would come up with a 6 digit color code and we're given a few tries to break the code. It's kinda cool. Something like battleship. Kids are so lucky balls..

Am gonna have my nap now. Gdnite.

Fuck off.

2009-03-23T21:48:00.004+08:00

Hello there..
Somehow i feel like something's missing. And as i sit here in front of my macbook, slowly deleting bits and pieces of my past, memories come flooding back into my small pea-sized brain. This is so tiring, you know? I hate deleting pictures one by one and i have no friggin choice coz facebook, myspace and friendster dont allow me to do just that. Well anyways, I'm brainwashing myself right now. I guess it's the only way for me to be normal again. Here are some of my memories..

You have been my best friend, well at least i knew you were ever since i met you although we didnt hang much the first few times. We were soulmates i guess. Nothing could separate us, or tear us apart. Thank you, you know. You've changed a HUGE part of my life, and forgetting you is almost impossible. Almost. What aches the most is having to leave you behind. I am sorry, but i cannot deal with more pain right now. I will always have my mantra with me, like what youve always said, but of course, it was never your idea.

Nothing is left of you now. No more dreams in a bucket. No more rain. No more Listen to me.

And you, to the other one. I confided in you, and i trusted you. I cant believe you forsaked everything just to be with someone who used to be so dear to me. DollTrash? It's nothing now. Or rather, i am nothing to DollTrash. I am only someone who can be so easily replaced just like that. Arent you happy that youre singing regularly now? If it werent for Trav and i, you'd be nobody and you'd prolly still be stuck in millenia doing your A levels. I am not gonna leave like that. One day, ill see you on the same stage as i am, but the only difference is that i wont remember who you are. Who are you? Fuck off.

Dont worry, i wont be able to recognize you anymore on the streets. This is it. Goodbye memories.. I will officially be Eva Marie again after i hit the "publish" button.

Yesterday's Feelings...

2009-01-18T22:50:00.001+08:00

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
The worries are washed out to sea
See the changes, people's faces blurred out
Like sunspots or raindrops...

Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time.
but today ive wasted away for today is on my mind...

Left the only worries I had in my hands,
Away from the light in my eyes..
Holding tight and try not to hide how i feel....

Cause Feelings mean nothing

Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I’ve wasted away for today is on my mind
(yeah today is on my mind)

I can't care to worry
Im feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart
Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind

Where feelings mean nothing

Now All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time (all be lost in time)
But today I’ve wasted away, for today is on my mind
For today is on my mind
Yeah today is on my mind

Now I care to worry
I’m feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart...

I deserve shit.

2008-09-09T03:25:00.001+08:00

I am sorry..
For being an asshole..

2008-09-04T20:09:00.003+08:00

Okay.. Haven't been updating for a few days, so here's a summary..

31st August 2008 (Sunday)

Went to watch the last day of Baybeats with Abby cos i wanted to catch The Oslo Castaways. Well as i was walking towards the Esplanade, i noticed someone familiar and i realised it was an idiot i used to know. Well, it ain't untypical of him to be heading there as well since he's in a particular "indie" band that's apparently "in the scene". Anyway, i was right behind him and i didnt wanna see his ugly ass at my face, so i walked really fast right in front of him. I think he recognized my bag and my sweater - well especially my sweater since he had it for a day before. Who cares anyway right?

I met Abby at the entrance near Harry's and we went to watch Oslo, since their set was at 7pm. (Sorry i was late baby! :P) They were good, but they played better after the first half of their set though. Oslo still rocks! :D After their set, we decided to go catch the other band at the other stage and as i was turning my head at that direction, i saw that same idiot again. Omgawd.. Now i am so convinced he saw me. That's great!!! :P I hope your girlfriend dumps you soon, faggot!

Saw this Thai punk/rock band play. They had a female drummer whom i thought was a minah at first. Haha. I think it was the lighting. But she rocked, really! I was almost ready to dump Abby for her! :P Lawls.. I don't really remember the name of the band but i'll check them out when i have the time. The only thing i felt that was irritating, was the vocalist's voice when he spoke. It sounded like as if Ozzy Osbourne adopted this kid.. I think the thai accent is so much sexier.. Yums..

Wanted to watch Caracal as well. Well we did for like two songs, then i couldn't take it anymore. Seriously, that vocalist cannot sing at all. His notes were all super off-pitched! Gawwwd..

2nd September 2008 (Tuesday)

Stayed home and had Canadian Pizza with my family. Had jamming later in the evening at mcpherson and we did two songs - Sun wu kong (Mayday) and Maria (Originally by Blondie). I think we did quite a good job with Sun Wu Kong.. Oh wells, you've got to watch the show to know how it sounds like! :D

3nd September 2008 (Wednesday)

Went to work in the morning till 4pm. Met Cheng guang and Lijuan for dinner. It was so tempting cos i was trying to eat healthy. I had like mee hoon kuey, and they were eating Seafood Tom Yam soup and this super oily egg omelette with prawns and some other dish. Omgawd..

Took the bus to bukit batok with Trav since i was in town. We had coffee before heading back to our own homes though.. Good times, good times.. :)

-----------------------

It's been almost 5 days since i've last seen Abby baby. I don't think i'd be seeing him much this month.. Honestly, it's kinda something i'm new to, not seeing my other half and all. I'm really trying to adapt to that and so far i guess i've been doing pretty well. Though sometimes i'm wondering you know, I've been supporting you to do well, and i understood so many things that most whiney girls like me won't understand. Why is it that when i need you with me sometimes, you can't be there? It's stupid i know..

Will be jamming tomorrow again.. Cant wait! And i'm officially broke. Like beggar broke, you know..
:P

Herm herm herms.

2008-08-30T13:27:00.002+08:00

Went to watch Baybeats last night after work with Abby and his friends. Wanted to catch Peepshow, not because they're a good band but i just wanted to laugh at them, and Vertical Rush to show my support for Nicky Chim Chim! When i met Nick, it was like nostalgia coming back to me all over again.. Flashbacks of school, jammings, smoking before and after classes, tau hui, and the rides home together.. They all just flooded my mind for a minute. School was fun - not the classes, but the people.. Nick was an inspiration coz he's so bloody hardworking and he was always prepared.. I miss school!!

Anyways, while waiting for the bands to start playing their music, Abby, his friends and i hanged about at Harry's. Well I'm glad Abby doesn't drink. I guess it was nice meeting his friends. I mean, i'm open to meeting new people and stuff.. It's technically the first time i've actually really hung out with them. Of course, i wasn't really prepared coz Abby didn't mention anything to me and i thought it was just gonna be the two of us initially.. I'm still adapting and getting used to being around them. I'm not the kind of person who's all hyper and chitty chatty to new people. I mean if i were to be like that, i think i'd be so friggin two faced.. I'm not saying i don't like hanging with them. It was fun, but i guess i needa hang with them a bit more to feel more comfortable around them.

I wanna feel loved all the time. You tell me that to be a good girlfriend, is to make you happy.. I'm really trying to do just that.. I don't bug you much and i give you lotsa lotsa space. I don't complain about who you meet, and i don't even expect you to tell me what you're doing, what you're gonna do, who you're meeting and who you're gonna meet. I understand that it's how you are and it's what you need. You need space coz your mind's all stressed up with schoolwork and etcetera and etcetera. But what about making me happy? Thank you for finding the time to spend with me. I appreciate that, since i don't really have much to do in my life. Thank you for giving me the little kisses and the little hugs, the little phone calls and the little smses and it really brightens up my day a whole lot..

All i want is to feel loved by you.. Just that.. Only that..

I'm sick. But i'm bored as hell here at home, so i'm gonna meet up with a friend i havent met for a long time, who so happens to be in bukit batok.. Ciaos.

2008-08-19T22:03:00.002+08:00

I cannot believe it.

Screamm actually made it into the semi finals last night!! I havent watched myself on the result show yet, but no doubt was i shocked! Im not saying this coz ive got no confidence in my band. It's just that all the groups we were up against were very strong - One of the strongest groups in the competition in fact. Wow.. It's time to work extra hard then!!

I wish i had a digital camera so i can take lotsa pictures and post it in both this blog, and on Screamm's blog. Dun even say it. I do not have a camera phone, although it's a PDA and it's touch screen-ed and i love the phone.

Went to work today with my eyes half open. Wasnt too bad for tuesday since it was kinda busy. My colleagues were going on and on about this ghost in the backroom of our store. Apparently, some cd got stuck in Spinelli's CD player and the whole thing died, and even though it's dead, we can still occasionally hear music playing from that same CD player. Then a manager who just joined us recently actually saw this black shadow behind my store in charge and it seemed to be staring at him. (I hope the ghost isnt gay. lawls) She says it only follows guys, somehow. Then her husband saw this black figure walk from the outside through the glass wall, into the backroom! Omg this is so creepy. Thank God i never experienced such things ever since i stepped into the store more than a year ago. Phew!!

Gotta start thinking of things to do. Gonna get to the library and so some serious reading. But sometimes im so lazy coz im really very picky with the books i read. It takes me friggin long to pick a book for myself. I usually read Wendy Holden and Ben Elton's books but i kinda finished reading most of their books. Grr im such a boring person.

Things i can do:
1. Read books.
2. Have coffee with Trav - Just that he's still too busy trying to put his finger into an 18 yr old's pussy.
3. Practice my strokes (not the kinda strokes youre thinking abt abby baby.)
4. Hang out with Chew yan..

I have no idea, honestly.

Im a leech.

2008-08-17T11:46:00.002+08:00

Im so bored so bored so bored..

Texted Trav but that fucker didnt reply.. What kinda fucking friend is he? Cant even respond to a fucking sms? Plus its not even 7am in the morning for God's sake?? Fuck off lar Trav. You suck. Pls get your bloody clothes outta my house. It's been lying there for freaking 2 wks already! Fucktard.

Im kinda deciding what to do for the rest of the day today. I really feel like dressing up, heading to town and meet some friends for coffee but the only available friends i have are too caught up with their own private lives. Well i know i should get some practice done coz id be doing lotsa snare rolls tml. Oh well, all the best Screamm. :)

Maybe ill watch a little teevee. Disney channel and nickelodeon cartoons never fail to amuse me all the time. I love laughing at those fucktarded cartoons doing random lame stuffs. Haha. But first, i gotta get something to munch on. No more twinkles and instant noodles for you eva. Please eat proper.

Yummy.. Thank you baby for sup tulang last night! :)

Get this feeling off me!!

2008-08-12T12:35:00.003+08:00

Yesterday's results for Superband was really surprising i must say. Honestly speaking, the band who deserved to be elliminated was us Screamm and not 伍个人. I mean, theyre young and aspiring musicians and not to mention, one of the judge's favourite. It's so clear that they deserve to be in the competition longer than us since im sure they'd have better chances. But anyhows, i guess things happen and since we're still in the competition, then i guess Screamm will have to work extra hard for the next quarter finals - which is next week! Fucking stressed out i tell you.. Grr.. Shouldnt be updating this blog too often.. In fact, i should revert my attention back to Screamm's blog. It hasnt been updated since last month! Waha. Maybe i'll just copy and paste this whole thing therez no one will notice unless they know this blog add.. :P

Well, it was kinda fun yesterday though.. I mean, we felt the pang of pressure right there.. We were one step closer to being eliminated and yet, we were happy backstage nevertheless.. I was somehow so much more hyperactive than how i used to be, and i felt so much closer to the band.. We kinda had ideas on changing Screamm into a hardcore band and we started goring like mad but, of course that aint gonna happen! (Even though i really dont mind) HAha..

Alot of things have been on my mind lately.. It's really hard to concentrate.. I know i have no right to judge you, thats why i decide not to push it. But at the same time, its making my brain confused. Im a patient person, i hope you appreciate that..

Fact or Fiction?

2008-08-10T13:03:00.003+08:00

Have been listening to lotsa Doll Trash's music lately.. Somehow, i feel nostalgic about the days and how much fun the band used to have together. I guess the best pieces of music we ever wrote was "Far from here" and "Self Affinity", despite the fact that we werent very strong musically then. But nevertheless, thank you guys for giving me the opportunity to improve on my instrument; i have seen how much we've changed throughout the two years.. I do not think id ever be drumming still if Doll Trash ceased to exist. I love everyone of you guys - Inez, Cindy, Din, Chuck, Dan, Sam and last but not least, Trav.. I take all the memories, whether good or bad with me because they helped me to grow and they made me who i am now. I do not regret any decisions i made during that period, neither do i regret ever working with you doll trashers. :) I love you guys so much, it kinda hurts thinking about it coz i really miss you guys..

"Self affiinity" really speaks to me now i guess. Inez wrote the lyrics based on a true life experience. The lyrics to the chorus goes like this:

"We're going round in circles,
I'm sick of all these games.
Trying hard to please you but
I'm failing anyway.

Now it's come to this to know
When it's just time to quit.
Coz all i ever did was give in to you."

I never really thought her song made sense until now. Everybody says being in a relationship means sacrificing and showing unconditional love. Sometimes, you try doing these things but at the same time, you wouldnt know whether what youre doing would go to waste right? Of course, you hope youd have a perfect relationship but how would you know if youre being played? For now, i really dont fucking care anymore. When i love someone, i just wanna love him whole heartedly. Whether or not i get played, it doesnt matter because i have done my part. I am over and done with my past and if i do get played, i guess id just move on to the better things in life. I wanna see things beautiful again and not something dark, ugly and all gory.. Right now, i like the honesty. I hate keeping secrets. Why do people have secrets? Well, it's coz they are ashamed of them and they dont wanna hurt the people they love. I dont have them anymore coz i have spilled them on the floor, and it's right there, written in my blood for you.. I have swallowed my pride, just so you know that i love you...

Spent the night at baby's, well i didnt plan to.. Watched 2 movies - Or rather, 2 and a half. American History X was good, though kinda long and not to mention, sad. I'm so glad im of mixed blood coz it shows of how multi-racial i am. Heh. I saw quite a few boobies and dicks, not that i havent seen any. It was kinda funny though.. Watched half of Moulin Rouge as well.. It was comical, and baby liked that movie alot. Nicole Kidman acted as what's her name? Satine or something.. Reminded me of literature class in MI and we were learning about satires and comedies and stuff.. Good times, good times..

Tml's monday.. Might be the worse monday of all the mondays put together.. I am thankful that i'm in the show but really, it has tested me. It is not easy working with people you hardly know and are hardly close to.. Sometimes there are things you just dont understand about each other..

Fuck this life.
(i just got reminded of something Trav used to say to me. He used to say that my bog entries were emo. Haha how true. :P)

Happy 21st little miss tomboy!

2008-08-04T01:27:00.005+08:00

First of all, Happy 21st birthday to me.. It doesnt feel as exciting as i thought it would be, but at least i get to celebrate it! :D

Met Abby fer awhile and i feel kinda guilty taking up his time. The whole time i was chatting away about myself, not really giving him a chance to talk about himself.. How the fuck can i be so selfish?! Grr.. All i want right now, is to make him happy.. I dont know if im capable, but at least im trying. :)

On the other hand, its harder to make someone else happy. Yes, we are still friends but the past is still an open wound to his flesh, not wanting to heal. Sometimes i think it's wrong of us to still be as close coz it doesnt give him time to get over things. Occasionally, he'd flare up and call me a liar and whatnots. Well, what can i do about it? Yes, its my fault i caused you to be who you are now and i am truly sorry. But i cannot love you anymore because ive moved on with my life, and you should too. You say it's easy for me, coz ive got someone to love. Yes, im glad he found me and im glad i have him.. Wouldnt it be easier if you just let it go, and accept me as a friend? Im sorry but i really dont know how im gonna explain it to you. I dont think i am worthy of giving you any advice from now..

Happy birthday Eva. I hope you grow up. I hope you have learnt from all your mistakes and i hope you dont screw up again.. I pray that you become a better person; be more spontaneous and not hide in your shell. Stop watching anymore cartoons coz its making you think like a little kid all over again. Last of all, start practicing real hard on your drums, since its the only form of exercise you get (Ooo look at those arms!) and only then will you be able to bash any fucker's head who gets in your way. And please fucking take care of your face. Buy more pimple cream and stop using Oxy! Grr..

And to Leon, the stupid bimbotic assfucker.. Fuck off and get outta my life coz i cant stand someone whos as bimbotic as you are! Im sure life will be so much better for your guitar not having you around! Ewl..

Gdnites!

(Sorry if this entry is filled with such angst.. Dont worry, im not like this in person.. Heh. :P)

Nostalgia punches me in the face real bad.

2008-08-02T21:06:00.002+08:00

Preparations for the bbq's going rather smoothly. Trying to invite quite a number of friends over, but i expect only a few to turn up. Well, there's nothing emo abt it. I am fortunate to have my family planning this birthday with me and i am happy coz i get to spend it with them. :) But i guess i am a little sad that i wont be able to see some of my old friends..

Cheryl:
I havent spoken to you since 2 years ago. I kinda regret not spending lotsa time with you when you were in singapore. Now you're doing so well in australia, im missing you so much! You were the one who got me so hyped up as i am now.. I used to be so timid and shy, but you made me open up. We shared so much, from boys to family issues. You were always the blur and gullible one, always believing everything you hear. But well, it was funny and we had good times, good times. We used to go swimming at your condo with Chew yan and Yiling, and you used to teach as well.. Your brother, omg! Another hyperactive fella and hes like so grown up now! I hope youd come back soon coz i wanna give you a gigantic hug!!

Chew Yan:
Hey bestie! We've been friends for 8 years and counting now. Amazing huh? I guess if it wasnt for you and Cheryl, i'd be a stupid introvert now with no freaking life. Thank you for keeping up with me even after our O Levels. You have been a great role model and a great friend. We used to have lotsa window shopping in town and im really sorry i cant do that anymore.. Somehow my stamina aint that great anymore. Haha! Im glad we still hang out though, and im glad i still get to see you around! :D

Wow.. I cant wait for monday balls! I did something i didnt expect myself to do. I told my mum id be introducing her to someone special on monday. She was like "your boyfriend ar"? Haha.. So i told her about Abby, and she asked quite alot of questions.. I think my mum is okay with me dating muslim guys.. My dad on the other hand, doesnt really approve of it. I dont really understand, but neither will i be bothered about it. I really dont care what my father thinks of who i date - Ok wait, maybe it does play a part, but its my life, and its my decision. My dad hasnt been talking to me since i stopped going to church. Honestly, i think it shouldnt be that way. I thought a father's love was unconditional and it doesnt matter what i do, but he'd still love me and treat me as how he shud be treating me. I love Abby, i hope my dad accepts that.

Had training today at Mediacorp. Assumed it was at 11am and conveyed the wrong message to our fans. I felt so guilty coz they had to wait almost 3 hrs for us! Sigh, im so sorry Lijuan and Cheng Guang for making you guys wait! Seriously, i owe you guys.. Anyways, Cheng guang gave me a lighter that looks like this camera, attached to a chain. What bad timing, but it was sincere! I love you Cheng Guang! Thanks fer the birthday gift! Appreciate it! :D

I am happy now, and i am so missing Abby..

2008-08-02T02:32:00.003+08:00

I am so bored right now.. Chatted to Abby fer abit online after i came home; didnt even shower. I kinda envy him, coz he gets to see all the stars and stuff.. He said he saw The Pussy Cat Dolls lead vocalist and fucking shit i felt a pang of jealousy there. :P Anyways, since im so bored, i filled up this stupid boring old questionaire about myself so you guys get to know me better. Ta da!

The Basics

Hair Color:
Currently reddish black with pink strips

Eye Color:
Black

Height:
150m (i hope)

Profession:
Musician

Relationship Status:
In A Relationship Abdullah Bin Omar Salleh

Religious Views:
Moderate

My Favorites

Favorite Color:
Black and Pink

Favorite Car:
Mazda RX8

Favorite Movie:
The Notebook, A Walk To Remember

Favorite Hobby:
Drumming, writing, chilling out at starbucks

Favorite Song/Singer:
Returning empty handed/Underoath

Favorite Book/Author:
Ben Elton, Wendy Holden, The Shoppaholic series

Favorite School Subject:
Literature

Favorite Food:
Lagsana

Favorite Restaurant:
NYDC/Pasta Fresca La Salvatore

Favorite Animal:
Red Ear Terapins

Favorite Store:
Roxy

Favorite Celebrity :
Marykate Olsen

Favorite Childhood Friend:
My cousin.

Favorite Childhood Memory:
Loved collecting gigantic ants in primary school, and i also loved drowning them in one of the canteen vendor's basin. :P

Favorite Baby Name:
Guy - Zachary
Gal - Chantalle

Favorite Person In Your Life:
None? HAha!

Favorite Facebook Application :
The application that allows me to poke ppl! Lawls!!

This or That

Chocolate or Vanilla:
Chocolate

Big Mac or Whopper:
None. I prefer cheeseburgers coz they dont have veggies in em. :P

Coke or Pepsi :
Pepsi Twist!

Beer or Wine:
Beer

Coffee or Tea:
Teh Ping!

Apple Juice or O.J.:
OJ

Facebook or MySpace:
Myspace

Summer or Winter:
Summer coz i wanna tan all day!

Windows or Mac:
Mac!! Love my black macbook baby!

Cats or Dogs:
I like both.

Boxers or Briefs:
Boxers!

Rain or Shine :
Shine! Love the sun!

Chips or Popcorn:
Chips.

Salty or Sweet:
Sweet popcorn!

Plane or Boat:
Plane coz i love looking at the clouds and i love flying thru them! OOO cotton candy!! :P

Morning or Night:
Hmm. Night, though i usually start stoning after 10pm.

Movie or Play:
???

Walk or Drive:
Drive, but i dont have a license.

Money or Love:
Love, coz money cant buy love.

Breakfast or Dinner:
Dinner.

Forgiveness or Revenge:
Forgiveness.

Paint or Wallpaper:
Paint. I want my own designs.

House or Apartment:
House

Do You?

Have Any Pets:
Used to. Fishies and terapins.

Have Any Children:
I wanna have a pair of twinnies when i get married!

Smoke:
Managed to quit just recently.

Drink:
Occasionally.

Exercise:
My bf does, so maybe i shud too!

Spend Your Life On Facebook:
No. Duh!

Play On A Sports Team:
Used to.

Belong To Any Organizations:
Nopes.

Love Your Job:
Im neutral abt it.

Like To Cook:
I dont mind learning.

Play An Instrument:
My voice, drums, trumpet, clarinet, cornet, a bit of guitar, and my ass.

Sing:
Yep, lots!

Dance:
Used to love dancing when i was a kid.

Speak Multiple Languages:
English and chinese. Need to learn malay now.

Ice Skate:
I love ice skating! :D

Swim:
Havent swam for a few yrs..

Paint:
Havent painted in 5 yrs..

Write:
YES! :D

Ski:
Dont have the chance to. :(

Juggle:
Hmm.

Have You Ever

Stolen Anything:
When i was in primary skool, maybe.

Been Drunk Before Noon:
Nope.

Had Sex In A Public Place:
Haha! Yes. It was kinda nice actually.

Got Caught Telling A Lie:
Lots. Im a really bad liar.

Got A Speeding Ticket:
I dont drive.

Been Arrested:
Nope!

Littered:
Haha.. Yeah, though i hate the idea of littering.

Fantasized About A Co-Worker:
Hmm. Dont really remember anything like that.. HAha!

Cheated On A Test:
Yes! During chinese period!

Cheated In A Relationship:
Yes, quite a few times and i hated it! Am growing up now.

Failed A Class:
I failed chinese and math. HAha..

Screened Your Phone Calls:
Wads tt?

Eaten Food Off The Floor:
I dropped m&ms on the floor once but i ate them anyways. :)

Stuck Gum Under A Desk:
Nope. It isnt nice.

Wished You Were Someone Else:
Yeah. I wish i was Travis Barker.

Cried During A Movie:
Lotsa times! I love sappy movies.

Had A One Night Stand:
Nope. I dont fuck around.

Other

Describe Yourself In One Word:
Hyperactive

Biggest Fear:
Losing my arms and legs.

Biggest Mistake:
Lots. One of which is losing my virginity to an asshole.

Your Proudest Accomplishment:
Being a female drummer, and have been playing since i was 12.

#1 Priority In Your Life:
Music.

Dream Job:
Being paid to write songs.

Causes You Believe In:
I believe all of us make our own decisions and we learn from them on our own.

Special Talents:
I snore in my sleep.

Where Are You Right Now:
In my room.

Where Would You Rather Be:
In Malaysia with abby baby.

Famous Person You Want To Meet:
Emily Strange. Just that, she's fiction.

Place To Visit Before You Die:
The Eiffel Tower

Song Played At Your Funeral:
Mmbop by Hanson.
HaHa.

2008-08-01T17:39:00.002+08:00

Took some quizzes.. Dont know if they really make sense but here goes! :D

You Scored a 90% which means you are a ....

You are a passionate lover. You are the complete package and you recieve the complete package. You are NOT selfish and yet you still don't get walked all over. You're what everyone looks for and you show the opposite sex what it is like to truly be loved. Anyone who gets you is truly lucky.

What kind of lover are you
Take More Quizzes

Your score on this personality test was 76%

Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural lead, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

Personality Quiz
Take More Quizzes

What's Your Best Quality? Your Result: Out-Going Your best quality is out-going! People like you because you are fun to be around and no one ever knows what you will do next. Also you are not afraid to say or do whatever you want.
Personality
Loving
Ambitious
Sense of Humor
Intelligence
What's Your Best Quality? Take More Quizzes

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Musician Doo doo de doo waaaa doo de doo! (<-- That's you playing something.) Everyone appreciates the band/orchestra geeks and the pretty voices. Whether you sing in the choir, participate in a school/local band, or sit at home writing music, you contribute a joy to society that everyone can agree on. Yay! Welcome to actually doing something for poor, pathetic human souls. (Just kidding.)
Literature Nerd
Drama Nerd
Social Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Anime Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

Are you a girlie girl or a butch bruiser. Your Result: Could go either way, what mood takes you. Slap bang in the middle: Sometimes you prefer the womanly look but not afaid to wear baggy jeans and an old t-shirt with your fav footie team on it! Celeb-a-like: Pink or Debbie Harry
Feminine but not as vain as Barbie!
Tomboy all the way!
Princess Bloody Barbie!
Ms. Butch for Sure!
Are you a girlie girl or a butch bruiser. Make Your Own Quiz

Whats your Goth name? Your Result: Dawn Everyone knows who u r and doesnt wanna mess with u. U have alot of friends but only really talk to a few of them. U wear black and ur hair is many colors. U like rock and metal. U have ur own way of looking at things and wear things the way u wanna wear them and u dont care wat ppl think
Tibby
Jason
Slayer
Anjelica
Raylyn
Whats your Goth name?

What stereotype do you belong to? Your Result: No stereotype not preppy yet not a complete loser. has good friends and doesn't revolve life around their looks or social status. All around good person. usually liked by everyone
Punk
Jock
Emo
Preppy
geek/nerd
Loner
Gamer
What stereotype do you belong to?

Super bored as hell.. Maybe ill fill out a questionaire tonight.. :P
zzzz..

Please make this work.

2008-07-30T20:06:00.003+08:00

This week is kinda slack for me i guess. I only have like one day of work coza 非常 Superband commitments. Abby's been gone for 2 days, and well ive been trying my best to keep myself busy and occupied while he's missing in action. Haha. Somehow, i really really want this relationship to work.. I wanna bring him home, introduce him to my family, I know they'd love him. Even though he's a malay and he's muslim, it really doesnt matter to me anymore. I used to be so afraid about bringing my boyfriends home coz i know my parents would make a big fuss about who i date. Now its like, i really dont care. Its my life, its my decision and its my future. When it comes to love, no one decides but myself.

Well, maybe im still a little afraid, coz i want things to work out so badly. I dont wanna hurt anyone anymore and i wanna stop all the shit that i used to do. I trust abby, and i hope he trusts me. I hope we share the same ideas on where we want this relationship to go and i hope we can make it go far. When we spend our time together, the best part is never the make outs, or the hang outs.. It is when we lie next to each other, and just start talking and sharing things. You know, it can go on forever, and i will never complain coz its the only thing that connects me to him, and its the only thing that makes me understand him better.

Anyways, my birthday's coming in like 5 days!!! I used to complain to myself how slow i seem to be growing up. I keep asking myself when will i ever turn 21 so i dont hafta keep listening to my parents, and id finally get to decide for myself. Now its like wow, im finally 21! It's really time to stop playing around and think about my future. Phew!

I wanna start writing songs again. I wanna start singing again. I wanna start expressing myself again.

Oh well, 5 more days till i can really smile again. Abby baby, thanks fer loving me for me.. :)

Pictures from last monday (Superband QF5)

2008-07-26T22:13:00.003+08:00

Such fat cheeks. :P

Thank you Lijuan for the drumsticks!! 我不設得用哦！

My number one fan, Cheng Guang!! Mwaks mwaks! :P

Where's Elaine?? HAha.

SCREAMM!! :D

A new era begins.

2008-07-26T20:41:00.002+08:00

Phew!

Somehow when i woke on thursday, i felt so refreshed. It was as if i was cleansed from top to toe; like getting baptized. I guess it's a new start for me all over again and i dont wanna screw this up ever. It's been approximately 4 months since the whole drama began; time really flies huh.. I am glad things happened the way it did coz well i had to let go and sacrifice some stuffs, but i also learnt to treasure other things. Trav, you'll always be my best friend coz i can never live with you outta my life. You're my soulmate, and the one who knows me inside out. Even though you've let me down before (well, so have i) i still trust you whole-heartedly and you will always be close to my heart.

I've moved on, though i know it was rather too quickly. But im happy coz he makes me happy. Im thankful ive got someone as loving as Abby is and even though we dont see each other daily, ive learnt to be mature about that. It's just something about Abby that makes me excited. (Hey hey.. not in the dirty sorta way ok) I hope to work something outta this relationship; well hopefully i get to settle down with him. :P (Ok Eva stop thinking that far!!)

Wanted to delete all my archives coz i realise lotsa Screamm fans know about this personal blog. I dont blame the fans for glancing lar, it was silly me who advertised it all over myspace, facebook and friendster. I mean, im not ashamed of my past. It's just that, my old old entries remind me of how weak and stupid i was. I was like 18 when i started this blog and im almost twenty one now. It's amazing how many dramas have been happening over the years.

Talkin about fans, I LOVE MY FANS!! Alot of my friends are like telling me i shouldnt be too close to them otherwise they'd spread rumours about you and shit. But i always always believe that the fans are the most important element in stupid competitions like 非常Superband. I appreciate the fans and whenever they do something for me, i try to return the gesture by giving them something small back. So, there's no need to hide anything from them, as long as whatever they see from me is genuine and sincere, well thats how i am now. I dont have to pretend to be nice or something just coz i dont want them to have a bad impression of me. This is how i am and thats the way it is! :D Btw, i love Cheng guang and Lijuan. They're my bestest fans ever! :D

And Abby, i love you to friggin much! You owe me a million kissies coz youre so tempting! :P

2008-07-04T00:42:00.000+08:00

1 Corinthians 13:4 - 13

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

2008-07-04T00:15:00.003+08:00

fuck off lar bastard!

2008-06-20T12:44:00.002+08:00

I dont know whether it's healthy or not being like this.. Honestly speaking, i dont feel very loved, except when i spend time together with you of course.. It's weird and i totally dont know how to explain myself, nor do i know how you really truly feel about me. The words "I love you" sounded like as if you had a big chunk of tissue paper stuck in your mouth, and last night wasnt the first.. Is it so hard? I can say it to you so confidently coz i know i do but you didnt sound as confident as i was. But you know wad? It doesnt really matter.. Let's see how long Eva can take this shall we?

Sunday was fun - No wait, "fun" is an understatement. I went for this hardcore gig featuring Walls Of Jericho and some other hardcore bands and i had a hell of a time! Was headbanging so hard to WOJ, my neck hurt fer two days. Did my first ever stage dive.. OMFG! Didnt know body surfing was so fun! Wooooo! :D It was really worth all the waiting, sweating and headbanginggg!! bleh.. Had so much fun with Trav and baby.. Best time ever.. :)

Baby got me an Emily Strange figurine from Hong Kong.. Technically, his friend did lar.. It's standing on top of cupboard in between two of my Emily Strange shoeboxes now.. Haha.. Baby got me this Emily Strange blazer as well from Flash and Splash and im so gonna wear it fer Superband! Well, those were good times, good times..

I wanna thank Shusheel fer being such a great guy and providing a listening ear to me. I wish someone would be more like you.. You really know wat you want, and you play hard to get it. Youre confident with your feelings and you know how to keep a girl smiling.. But im sorry boy, my life is as complicated as it is. I like you as a friend so much, and i wanna keep it that way.. :D

Baby baby baby baby baby.
Heartaches and the sane.

2008-05-13T15:39:00.002+08:00

Here's Screamm for you! Do support us in the upcoming Superband 2 competition! :)

2008-05-12T21:35:00.003+08:00

APRIL

April.
The month of joyous occasions.
The month my soul died and came alive to another.

With the atmosphere burning,
my insides dissolve into a sea of black.
Yet, it dances towards you.

Like Kurt, i found a cure.
People say he died.
I knew he didnt coz
I felt him kiss me.

April gave me a gift.
Insanity.
She made me unafraid.
I am not afraid.

She says the gift is eternal.
Infinite.
Take all i want, dream of Kurt.
Feel him kiss me again.

Filled with imploding desire.
Unacceptable adolescence, they say.
But it is nothing to throw away.
My heart never lies.

T'was April, it all began.
Dream of Kurt.
Feel him kiss me again.
Feel him kiss me again.

For A Love

For the longest time, i think of words put together in paper.
Words that express what only a lover can feel.
For the shortest time, i consumed you with you with such desire.
Too many complications, too much to deal.

You are what i am.
My heart is shrunkened and it is tattooed into your hands.
Your tears, they are overflowing,
i swear it is something i can forever mend.

How perpetual these thoughts are.
You are what i want, but are impossible to claim.
How can i be happy,
when you are the happiness i hope to keep?

Unpredictable. Adorable.
You are everything new everyday.
I wish we could stay in the clouds forever,
coz the clouds liberates us into a world of our own.

I love being in the clouds with you.
Just you and me, with our whiskey.
With our lust and emotions set free.
Let our hungry tongues communicate.
Let our uncontrollable hands anticipate.

Thank you for a guardian angel.
He touches me with his unconditional and loving soul.
But in despite, the inside is frozen and the outside,
Filled with uncertainties.

Another angel is missing a heart to love.
The star right above has yet to be fallen down.
Waiting under that same star, praying and wishing.
Praying and wishing, until it falls to the ground.

Was in the mood for some poetry lately. So much inspiration around me, so why not?
Anyways, these are for you, baby. I remember once upon a time, you were squeezing me so tightly. Then you began to pray to gods you didnt even knew existed, just hoping that theyd be listening. You said please dont let this go. Dont ever let this go. So dont let go of me ok?

Thank you for missing me. You have no idea how much i feel the same way. I miss saturday and i hope it happens again. Heh. Alright, this emo girl is back! Wooooo! :)

Miss u like crazy.

2008-05-04T17:23:00.001+08:00

Good times, good times. :D

2008-05-04T17:00:00.002+08:00

Wow.
All i can say is, i am happy that i went through 2 years of my life with you. :)
Let's let another chapter of our lives open.

--------------------------------------

And.
I guess i should leave you for a while now.
Be alone.
Think things over.
Take your time. :)

I just dont want you to be upset over this. I guess it isnt worth it at all. :D

--------------------------------------

So many things are happening to me now. Its only been 3 days! I'll take this "being single" thing as a good way to catch up with things ive missed in the past. Im glad everything's more or less settled and no grudges were beared. Maybe i have alot to think about but i hope you remember that its never a waste and i love the way things are now. Of course i will reminisce. At least i know those were good times. :)

I need to grow up!! :P

Okay. Mahaaaaa!! Where are you?? I need to say so much to you!! Gah..
All ive got to say is "Im sorry, babe".
Pls call me soon.

(Why am i doing this here?! Gurggh!)

2008-04-05T12:01:00.000+08:00

Me and Trav.
I am fortunate. :)

2008-04-05T10:47:00.003+08:00

Had fun on wednesday.

Trav somehow had enough to rent some big car (i think it was a Hyundai Tuscan) and i finally had the opportunity to listen to Saosin in megabass, in full blast! (It was so much better than listening to my fucked up CD player) Went to East coast for dinner after jamming with Screamm. It was so refreshing man, seriously. It was ages since i actually had dinner with a group of friends, eating like stingray, satay, lala, etc and bitching about all sorts of things. It was relaxing, compared to the tension i always face at home.

Got home late coz we got lost while sending Trav's colleague home. Serangoon seemed so foreign to Trav especially when he doesnt drive all the time. But it was fun nevertheless. I love car rides. Mum called and nagged coz i wasnt home. I told her my situation, that me Trav and a few friends were lost at serangoon. She still insisted that i made my way back home that instant. Ok, how do you expect me to head home when at that point of time we didnt even know how to get outta serangoon? Then she went on and on saying that my life was corrupted and it was a sinful lifestyle. All i wanted to do in my life was to enjoy it. I dont want anything to hold me back. I only have one life. I dont want to spend my life studying like mad, then go home after school, and sleep at 10pm. I dun wanna be someone with fucking no life. I know of people who are like that and, no offence but they are naive to whatever that is happening in this world.

I know that i think differently with my parents. I mean, its so obvious. With my friends, i can talk openly and there's no grudge, no barrier to whatever tat we can talk about. Because of that, no body takes you seriously and you just laugh and talk cock at it. We talk about sex all the time. We laugh about it and we share experiences. We dont think its disgusting, crude or whatever. At home, i gotta watch what i say. Im almost 21 and whenever i watch a show that happens to have a kissing scene, my dad will be like "Eva, cover your eyes". And when i was watching Miami Ink the other day, my dad was like "Is there nothing else you can watch?" I just wish my parents would fucking open up their minds!

So now im locked outta the house. Househopping and staying with friends. Honestly, i dont feel upset. I feel relieved because finally i have a break from my parents. When i go home, i feel tension and a barrier. When i go home, i walk into a home filled with nasty secrets. I wonder what theyd do to me if i told my parents i was gay. (If i were gay that is. But im not.) It'll be worse definitely. Now that im not home, i dont have to think about the shit at home. I thank God for giving me friends who really care for me at this point of time. They open their homes to me, pay for my dinners, and are concerned for me. I can chill out with my friends, talk cock and laugh without worrying that my parents would call and fuck me up.

Right now, im gonna study hard despite this phrase of my life. Exam's next week and i wont let anything hinder me from getting my dip. Will be staying at gayboy's tonight. His room rocks! :)

Thank you God. :D

2008-03-20T20:38:00.001+08:00

Been addicted to meez avatars recently. Here's ME! :D

2008-03-20T14:02:00.005+08:00

You are the most beautiful face,
and i am in love.

Somehow now i cant get thru to you. You sound like a friend - so serious and annoyed. How do i ever get to see you laugh or even smile again? It seems so hard. All i wanted was to communicate. I sms, but our mobile conversation is short (and i wouldnt say "sweet"). Many times i hear your phone beep repeatedly and i wonder, will you actually reply like that to my messages? I miss those nice mobile convos we used to have. How i really laughed at them before, and i know you laughed as well.

Honey, work is tough. Jay did something unfair, so all the more you should be patient and determined. Continue to do your job well and i am sure he will promote you. Train those cashiers to not just do their jobs but more. You should always have faith in yourself. I have faith in you. I see that youre struggling, and youre trying your best to earn that position. And for that, i am proud of you, and i respect you.

I dont know. Problems like this will inevitably rise. I am confused. Ill leave it to you. I am willing to forgo what we had so that youd be happy. If you think youve had enough, tell me. Perhaps im not the one. Still...

You are the most beautiful face,
and i am in love.

2008-01-24T20:08:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how people NEVER change.

I was looking through several friendster profiles (yes, i know only stupid ahlians and bengs have friendster profiles but dont blame me, i had mine since forever.) today when i stumbled upon my ex boyfriend's site. One click led to another and the next thing i knew, i was already reading his blog entries. Apparently, he has been waiting fer this girl (who also happens to be super young) to accept him back again coz i think he cheated on her or something before. Seriously, i felt like, half puking and half killing myself coz whatever i read, i have read before. It's like, a blast from the past or something. He said things like how hes changed and he wouldnt hurt her ever again (yeah rite). He also said stuff like, how hes gonna love her the rest of his life and earn money to support her and whatever bullshit.

You know what people? I heard those things so many times when we were together. And i believed those lies, that i agreed to give him all of me. That girl better not be giving him her virginity because i guarantee that he'd waste it for her! Maybe im not quite surprised to see that he hasnt changed. The type of girls he's been trying to date always comes with a pattern. Theyre always young, ignorant, rebellious and insecure. I was there once and no way was i gonna let it happen again.

And the girl he's dating. OMFG! She's a mother fucking TWIT for god's sake! I know i dont usually use vulgarities in my blog, but really, no other words will be able to describe this girl/creature. I cant read her profile properly coz it gives me a headache from the mispelling of words, and the repetition of alphabets in her words. Man, it's crazy!

And you know wat? She actually placed an advertisement on her bf's profile to ward of potential girls who might attract him. Lawls! That's the funniest part of everything ive seen so far.. Which girlfriend would do such a thing?! (Except ahlians and ah bengs) I mean, which gf would deprive her bf from having friends? Why does it have to be so sexist? Well, i cant blame her coz she's only, what? Seventeen? Yeah i think so.. And that bf of hers is, OMFG (ROFL) TWENTY-FOUR!!!! What a small brain/mind he still has to be dating a mother fucking TWIT.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me assure you that this relationship both of these twits share will never last. Once he has fucked her, it's game over for both parties. I bet he's lying to her through his teeth right now at this moment. WAhaha.. I feel so evil. :P

Okay, let's talk serious business here. Why do i think their relationship will NEVER last? Here goes:
1. The twit is only seventeen.
2. The paedophile is talking about marriage in his blog (to the twit) when they havent even officially started.
3. She obviously doesnt trust her paedophile boyfriend by putting up that advertisement.
4. She is obviously insecure.

This post s driving me kablonkish! (ok i know there's no such word. :P) Omgawd, i just hope that idiot grows up soon enough. He's almost twenty-four and still behaves like a kiddo. For that twit, she really needs to re update her blog, and go back to kindergarten to obviously, learn her spelling all over again. Lol, twits just make me laugh so bad.. They are so funny somehow.. The government should ban twits to prevent the whole country from turning into one whole twit nation!

Okay thats it, i really am evil. Im just writing this coz i hate twits ok. I cant believe i ever dated that paedophile.. Urgh!

Oh how i love bitching. :x

2007-12-02T13:49:00.000+08:00

Okay.
School's so over fer me - Well, at least for the next one month. I am so glad coz im finally able to read, chill out, jam and earn so much more money. Omgawd i just feel that i need dolltrash more than ever now. I feel so sucked into this band that it's like water quenching my thirst. Many have come and go, well i almost did. But i realise that after every episode, we grow, we learn and we carry on. I look back on the first jam that we had and i really have to say that we have grown so much, musically and spiritually of course.

We had a new bassist on friday, and we were somehow connected directly, thanks to the world wide web. I had this instant feeling that itll be it. Thank you Lord for Danial! I have never enjoyed myself as i did that day. Okay, i admit i still will have to get used to having a new guy around us and worst of all, i as a drummer, will have to work closely with him since hes the bassist. Im aware that ive gotta kick that shyness outta me and start being open. I will do it even if it kills me!! :P

As a drummer, ive grown as well. In school, it's Nick pushing me with my singing but, in dolltrash, it's Trav. He's always pushing and pushing and if he didnt, i wouldnt be who i am today. The drumset is like a robot that controls my mind when im on it. It's an hypnotic creature, and im like a puppet whose arms are being controlled by it. Somehow, we're in sync. Somehow, we're ONE.

People, do not look down on female drummers because i got that alot before. I was squashed like a bug by the hands of these people, but then again, it was thanks to them that i managed to stand up again. Now i play because i want to see the smile on the faces of others. I want these female drummers to believe in themselves, and that with inner strength, they will make it. :D

Well, i havent made it yet. Im not even halfway there. But i know one day i will.

2007-10-26T23:08:00.001+08:00

Travis honey, you know i really love you so much.
But i can never tell you anything anymore..
Gdnites.

2007-10-26T16:14:00.000+08:00

Dreams In A bucket

You sat down there facing the sky
Wishing there were stars tonight
Tears werent dry and theyre still dropping on your smooth little thighs
Tears on your nose, you thought about the things
And all of the shit that you did in the past
You released it all to me and i do not react
But i remember in my head

To me, youre so beautiful
your hair's a luscious and aromatic
I just love the way you have your smile
And you steal all those kisses from me
I love you baby

Pack all your dreams in a bucket
And throw it all into the sea
Pack all your lies in a paper bag
For all to see

And then you lied on my shoulder
Thinking about how much i was to you
So precious, you were scared to let me go
Same thoughts for me
You are the treasure ive found without a key

Pack all your dreams in a bucket
And throw it all into the sea
Pack all your lies in a paper bag
For all to see

And i know that youd be here
All the way till i die
Because of you and me together
Ill never let this go

This song always, always speak to me coz Trav wrote this song for me when we first got together. It's been 18 months since, and things definitely will change. When i listen to the song, i feel all of his emotions coming together. I feel his love right there in front of me and thats something i can never get when he is standing right next to me. Why is it that he can never express such love for me anymore? This song comforts me everytime because it automatically calms me. It is something i can never get with Trav because he never seems to know how to cheer someone up. Isnt it sad to know that your own boyfriend can never make you smile? I almost wished he could become the song and that we could go back to how we used to be before.

Life for me, is just there. You either live it, or die in it. Somehow, ive become someone whos really painful inside. My friend's always saying "Let's go find God" and well, maybe thats the case for me? Ive been drumming for 8 years and thanks to DollTrash, i decided to major in it and make it a huge part of me. Doll Trash.. I miss the old days.. To me, DT will always and only be Me, Inez, Trav and Din. All four of us were like a happy family, always smiling, always hanging out together like great friends and the vibe we had together was perfect. DT woke me up from everything. I was so much alive then, and i felt that there was a reason to be in a band. DT was my best friend, my one and only true friend. Well, we werent just a band. We hanged out quite alot. Sometimes id meet up with Inez for coffee, shopping and we even did piercings together. Inez, she made me feel like i could trust someone. She was a sister to me and we both relied on each other. I miss her. I miss the old her.

DT didnt meet up for awhile coza school/work commitments and etc. Inez went to do her diploma im mass comunications and as soon as you could say fuck you, we didnt meet up as often anymore. Its like, my best friend just disappeared and i no longer had someone i could talk to. When i missed her, i couldnt see her coz i knew her schedule was tight and i didnt wanna get stood up again. Once, i planned a date with her about a week in advance. I was early, so i waited for her. It didnt work out in the end coz she decided to go bowling with her MDIS friends instead and i was left there heartbrokened. I knew she was busy, so i asked her in advance but even so, this was how it turned out. I decided right there that i shouldnt make plans with her anymore coz i didnt wanna get stood up again. When we did meet a few months later, well most of the time it's unplanned, things changed. I could no longer talk to her like how i used to. Our hugs were no longer exchanged and i felt right there that ive lost my best friend.

The reason why i think i should leave DT, is because ive lost my best friend. DT is no long DollTrash anymore. If im going to feel an awkwardness, then ive lost my meaning here. Its painful, in fact it hurts me more than anything else. Ive seen DT grow from something small, to something productive, even with half our original line up gone. I wish something could be done to change things but i dont know if its possible. Inez, remember those times when you got drunk coza "you know who" and not only did you make a fool outta yourself but you also tried to make out with me? Ill always remember that coz it's one of the last times we were ever that close. It was one of the happiest moment i had with DT. Remember the time i got drunk at Gashaus and you piggy backed me all the way to the toilet? Even though Saito the loser was an asshole, but i still had fun with you guys! Theres just too much to remember. You know, if i could feel all these again, id really want it to be with DT.

Dear Inez, When i first met you, i felt a connection with you. I felt that we had so much in common and so, when you had your problems, i tried to be there for you. I tried to give you the support you needed because you were my sister, and my best friend. But somehow along the way, things got messy. You made new friends, had new experiences, thus i felt that i was rejected and neglected by you. It is easy for you coz youre outspoken, unlike i. I can never open up to someone that easy. I mean, you know me well enough dont you? I find it hard to click with certain people. It is very VERY hard for me to make new friends because i just refuse to open up. The only friend i could count on then was you but somehow you werent there and i kinda lost you along the way. Even right now, it feels as though youre just an aquaintance. I couldnt talk to you like how i used to anymore. My family for DT has seperated and it hurts my heart so much. It is not easy to let go of that family that has taken so many memories from me. I miss you. So much Inez.

2007-10-25T17:21:00.000+08:00

I saw her yesterday night. Right there at my usual chillout spot with a friend. Honestly, my time spent with her there was different and awkward, and it just didnt feel the same anymore. All these started when i got stood up by you and i told myself never will it happen again. I feel that sometimes, people tend to forget their friends once theyve met new ones and, inevitably people do change. Before half my band broke up, my decision to be part of DT always stood rooted on the ground but i guess things changes. My main reason to why i agreed to be DT's drummer was because i felt there was a connection between us all. I mean, we were a new band, new to each other, new to everyone but nevertheless there was chemistry. Right now, half of us are gone and it's been 15 months since the band officially came together. Some of us entered another era of their lives, met new people, and experienced something extra. Things are totally not the same for DT anymore. I hate to say this, but thats the way it is people. Now i dread going for jammings, and it's not coz i hate jamming or that i hate how we sound. I just hate it because the chemistry is no longer there, and relationships between me and DT is shattered.

When youre jamming, writing a song for the first time, and playing with certain people for the first time, all i need from you is patience. What you listen on a raw recording will not sound exactly like how it is live. It is also, impossible to finish a song in a day unless youve really got a concept for it. What am i blabbering?!

As friends, i feel that ive totally lost track with you. Somehow i find it impossible to get back what both of us have lost because when i needed you, i couldnt find you. I dont really have the heart for DT anymore since ive lost friendship with you. Im sick of having to face the same old thing everytime im jamming. It is possible that id walk away.

2007-10-17T14:50:00.000+08:00

Okay i know i havent been blogging for a fucking long time but right now i just have to. Here goes:
To all my friends who watched me grow up, i know alot of things about me have changed. Im in my final year of lasalle right now and i realise that alot of my really old friends rarely approach me anymore. I guess it's what i do that might possibly turn them off. When we were younger, man those times were treasure. We were kids and we never made enemies. The only thing we knew was PLAY! Lol.. People move on with life, friends come and go and this will keep happening. Well, as long as i treasure the time share as kids. :D

Hey, i forgot where/whom i heard this from but, i feel that it is true. Love is pain. Look at God's love. So pure, unconditional and real but imagine all the pain that he's feeling because we humans are sinning over and over again right here on earth. Imagine a person's unrequited love. How much he adores for that woman but somehow that woman never seems to notice him. Thats kinda how im feeling right now. I would die for you, do anything for you because that love for you is so so great but sometimes all the shitty stuff that i do cause you to turn away from me and pain is inflicted right back to me. I remember how you used to say that my blog was all filled with emo shit but i guess thats how i feel sometimes and the only times im not emo is having you by my side. You know me, i do things without thinking. And most of the time i really dont know why im doing those things even after questioning myself. That usually ends up in me getting depressed and all.

Grrr. I believe i am who i am now because every social and personal problem gets sucked together into one ball of fluff and *poof*! I am born into this world. Look at my family, what a "God-seeking" family. Who would have known that we've always been so dysfunctional? Dad's always wanting me to befriend those kids from youth service when i clearly cannot click with them. And when i get my piercings done, he preaches on and on about how evil piercings are. They question my appearance. "Why you wear so much eyeliner arr?" or "Pull up your pants lar can see your backside". You what? Just fuck off because i am who i am so stop changing me!! Look at my friends. Many come and go and I dont even have many. Look at my relationships, its trash. Look at work, politics and gossips going around like nobody's business. When will my life get any better?

Doll Trash Trouble.

2007-06-23T02:08:00.000+08:00

Im not really happy with this whole reshuffling thingy in my band. Honestly, i dont see anything wrong with the way Sam is playing and im kinda used to it. To me, the music is so much fuller ever since he became part of DollTrash.. I think the best way here, is that i not have anything to do with this so called "politics".. Grrr..

Sometimes i dont feel like being part of DollTrash. It's not easy having a boyfriend who's also your band mate and the band is always the number one thing you argue abt. There are alot of things that you disagree on, like the situation above.. Maybe i should leave for awhile, until im ready to play again.. I'm so sick of having to disagree on what you guys are doing and it's just not easy smiling at someone you love when you're disagreeing on everything he's doing in the band. Maybe you should all find sessionist drummer or something. Grrr.. I disagree on finding another guitarist because it's such a chore and it's not always easy to get used to new things. Look at vanessa. Trav initially wanted a keyboardist and at Inez's recommendation, we invited her be part of DT. It turned out that she wasnt what we wanted because she wasnt initiative, sensitive to her keyboards and she was always late for parctices. Worst of all, some of us even told pple she was confirmed.. Then when we decided to kick her out, news has already spread.. Now you guys wanna kick Sam out too? He has already played with us at gigs.. Why cant you guys just give him a chance to do something? At least talk to him, have a meeting? Wouldnt that lessen the risk of a misunderstanding? Why dont you guys just make up your blardy mindss? I really should stay out of this.. I'm so not interested at anything DT does right now. I just wanna play and make music. That's it. Period.

I so cant wait to get my pay.. I wanna go shopping and i wanna get my piercing done!! i've learnt my lesson this time.. (I managed to not blurt out to my parents that im gonna get a tongue piercing!) :D Gonna do all of that next sunday and the best thing is, my parents will not be around! Woooo! :P

This is so fucked up.
My mum called me today while i was at work, finishing up my closing at Spins. She was nagging about why i wasnt at home and it was already 1am(my curfew is at 12 midnight.) I told her i was working and i finish at 1am, but she kept saying that i shouldnt be doing closings. Like why the fuck shouldnt i be? It wouldnt be fair to my colleagues if i was only gonna do openings and mids right? Plus, what was i getting paid for? To only work two shifts? Goddam it.. She doesnt even give me my allowance and she's complaining so much. Why do you think i have to work? Damn.. The pay is shitty, yes.. Well thats the F&B life my dear mummy. Why dont you try joining us as a staff, and then you'd understand the life of spinelli barista.. WTF.. You think getting a job's so easy? I'm studying now, dont forget. I dont hold a diploma or degree yet so dont expect me to get a salary that's more than $1000.. Omiegawd i forgot you dont have brains! From now on, IM DEMANDING FER MY ALLOWANCE!!

Pls leme outta this fucked up life. Now i see why im getting so depressed.

2007-05-19T03:17:00.000+08:00

"I love you" are such sensitive words..
Sometimes, im afraid to say them coz theyre so fragile.

"I love you" are words you take seriously..
So be careful who you say these words to.

2007-05-18T01:08:00.000+08:00

Ive decided now, not to hold your hands when we're with your friends. I know you want your space, and ive realised that you're alot more initiative and intimate with me when we're alone together than with people around us. You tell me, dont get mad juz cause you dont wanna hold my hand. I know. Sometimes, you just dont like holding my hands..

Im really desperate now. I'm nothing. I've got no mobile phone, no money, no qualifications, no talents, no anything.. I've got nothing to fall back on and im just like a leech being dependent when im supposed to be independent. I need another job. I need another life. I feel useless, like a loser waiting for money to come in at the end of the month, money i can hardly use to support myself. You've got your own life, your own friends, a full time job, but unfortunately, you've also got a girlfriend who cant take care of herself.

Sometimes i cant take it anymore. It feels like we are just gonna break into two any moment. Yeah.. Im too addicted to you thats why.. I dont seem to let you breathe do i? Maybe we need some time away from each other.. Maybe you need to spend alot more time with your guitar girlfriend since you've been complaining so much. Sometimes i feel that you dont care.. But i dont bother.. I just go with the flow.. keep myself busy until i forget and feel myself again.. But then again, it's never settled..

It's never settled..

2007-05-12T20:55:00.000+08:00

Ok.. I lost my phone - AGAIN.. Why cant i be so much mor careful now after losing more than 6 phones?! Was really pissed yersterday with myself, and at that person who took it. First of all, i have already lost my phone millions of times and i never seem to learn my lesson. Secondly, dont that thief know how troublesome it is to lose a phone?!! I was this close, THIS CLOSE to getting my phone back but she didnt wanna give the phone pack to me. Honey and i actually got on a taxi to chase the bus we were taking but when we got onto the bus, hoping to retrieve the phone back, that girl who took it already alighted and despite calling my phone, she didnt answer it and instead, swtiched the thing off.. Fucking hell.. Why are ppl like that?! When theyve got the chance to return something, they dont want to do it.. Why do ppl have to be so selfish?

I miss my phone.. :(

Sorry honey for being so immature yesterday.. I really liked that phone and thinking of my situation now, i was pissed.. How am i gonna get a new phone with no money, no life, and no brains?! Grrr.. So peeps, pls give me your contacts again.. Thanks.. :(

Juz an advert - NEVER eat non fat yogurt.. It's sucky.. The fat gives it an extra delicious taste so.. yea.. :D

2007-05-11T02:31:00.000+08:00

Current song playing: Runaway - Avril Lavigne

Both my arms are friggin itchy. Dont know why but the itching cant stop! Grrr.. Gonna see the doctor tml to get better cream.. Hopefully it works! :D

The four turtles honey and i bought together for valentine's day are growing up so fast. They are so so sooo adorable.. :D Somehow they respond better to me than to honey - obviously, since they live on top of my study table in my room. Everytime they see me coming towards them with their turtle food, they'd move their arms about frantically, pushing each other away and lift their heads up high, like as if it were some kinda competition. How cute.. Lawls..

A friend bought the new Avril album for honey today.. I think the album is really a flop, apart for a few songs. Honey and i were shaking our heads at the beginning of various tracks on the bus on the way home from work. Some songs are nice like, "Runaway" and "Contagious", but most of the songs were major disappointments.. I dont know if it's just me but Avril's pitch sounds realli high now compared to before which makes it sound really "chipmunk-ey".. There were alot of Sum41 and Blink182 influences in this album coza Steve, Derryk and Travis Barker, all of whom sessioned for her. WoOo Travis Barker you rock man! :D For Avril fans who loved the previous album, dont buy this one..

I'm so glad im not working tml. Dont get me wrong, i love making coffee and believe me, its a gift. I need to get to the doctor's tml in the morning, then return vcds honey and i borrowed for marathon night, then head to westmall to get my shampoo and pimple cream. That's not all babes.. Meeting the whole Doll Trash gang in the early evening to chill before heading to beat merchants for a 2 hr jamming session. We had a band meeting last sunday and alot of discussions were discussed (thats wat meetings are for right?) and settled. We decided never to play for "Heart of darkness" on wednesdays at the Gashaus ever again and we also decided to let our keyboardist go. Seriously, if you tell me to let her stay because she is our friend, then i think it'll be the wrong choice to make. For me, attitude plays a big part in being in a band. When she doesnt take the initiative to write down her chords to a song, comes late 100% of the time, dont bother to even set up quickly during jamming, and doesnt even have the correct skills to play keyboard, why should we keep her? Jammings and chilling out as a band after jammings are two different things. We can have fun outside, laugh and slap each other silly but in the studio, we're working out something that determines how far we can go in terms of our music. We had this level of expectation from her but we didnt get it. Keeping her in the band because she is our friend is a stupid reason, really.

Ok.. I think it's time for bed.. Honey's already snoring away with my favourite pillow in his arms.. Eeek! *Snorree*

2007-05-09T14:26:00.000+08:00

I havent blogged for a long long time and i hate to say this but, blogger's partly to blame for this. I realised that blogger's been very inefficient ever since google took over it and the new template settings are so much harder to change. No offence blogspot, but i think you ought to be more user friendly if you want a huge fan base right?

Anyways, alot have been going on ever since i "temperarily" stopped blogging. I must say i've been really lucky in my love life coz, well im still human, and i know ive done lotsa shit that honey dosent deserve and yet, he still loves me all the more after. Thank you for always being so thoughtful and selfless. You are amazing and so beautiful. What would i do without you?

I told honey yesterday that i always needed to be with you coz i dont want to go astray again. Im afraid that once im not with you for a day, my mind will wonder endlessly to some unknown universe in my past. Honestly, what happened was real and i did feel that something for him. It was childish because he was young and well, "cool" and he liked me, which is rare. I guess i was attracted to these incentives.. It was rare too that he felt the same way abt me thats why it was so hard to let go. But honey, i realised that you loved (and still do) me differently. Dont really know how to explain it but it's unconditional and so selfless even after more than a year since we got together. It's a blessing actually. :D

Im having my school holidays now so no school for 3 months, which also means no jamming and singing. (Apart from DollTrash) But id be singing for this gig on the 29th, organised by Janet and her boyfriend. Let me tell you that these kids im jamming with are amazing. I mean, they dont play professionally but theyve got it in them at such a young age. The potential level in them is blasting and theyre only 13 to 15 years old. Seriously, theyre gonna be great musicians when they grow up. :D Honey doesnt really like it that i talk about them too much. Haha. He thinks im a pedophile. Madness! Lol..

Ok well.. The weather's crazy now.. But im hoping to tan next wednesday coz i need it! :D *Prays*

2007-01-20T01:45:00.000+08:00

I
miss
you.

2007-01-18T01:09:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord,

all i really need right now, is a prayer for strength. I am scared and yet, i am risking the one and only person ive ever loved so much. Sometimes, i just want to be alone and then i can ask myself, how will i be able to get a hold on this relationship. How will i be able to let him be single, and yet attached? He is right. There is always a pang of uneasiness when either one of us mix with persons (or person) of a different gender. That's why i need the strength Lord. I need assurance because i hate this feeling. I hate that feeling i get when he's spending his time with someone else but not me. I dont want to be selfish because I hate being selfish. I already wished right from the start that we'd give each other ample space, but here i am feeling shitty coz i am reluctant to give him that space.

Teach me how to deal with this.

So many events have taken place that has caused us to fall apart. Many times ive blamed myself. I know thered be a day when the volcano erupts and itll no longer be reconcilliable. I dread that day Lord..

I felt his hand while i was asleep today. They seemed to want to fill the gap thats in between my fingers. Now i wished i had held onto them tightly. At least he'd still know that i love him - too much. That was such a moment to treasure and yet, my broken heart let that go.

I understand that every relationship will have its flaws but.. I dont wanna hurt. My other half is telling me that i should appreciate all that hes done for me. There's too much. That i shouldnt cook up a storm just because he feels uneasy. I know whatever that ive done will never cover what hes done for me. So teach me how to love him like how i should. Teach my brain to tell my soul that i shouldnt take him forgranted. Remind me that i really love him, that i really want us to go more than a long long way.

Why do i always cry when im sad? Can you please take my tears away? Love is a beautiful thing because you created it, but i abused it. I need you more than ever Lord. Please teach me how to love the way you love your children. Because i know i really need it now.

Amen.

2007-01-14T15:22:00.000+08:00

I am silly.
I am stupid.
I am unreasonable
I am a stupid PIG.
I am full of trouble.
I am very bad news.
Bad news.

So.
DONT LOVE ME.

2007-01-09T01:08:00.000+08:00

Youre BEAUTIFUL..
Why are you even here with me? You have been giving me even more than anyone would give. You have showed so much love to me, so much more than anyone else have, ever. You have never let me down, not once, and never have you complained at all. You never mentioned how disgusting it was to pack my room, or to even clear my trash. Who are you, and how did you get here?

How did you managed to make me feel so loved? Of all the 263 days with you, ive never felt this comfortable with anyone else before. When you say 'I love you', i believe you without a doubt because i know that you really do love, and i trust you completely. Honey, YOU are the one..

I dread the day when we'd both die and rot away. The thought of having you away from me saddens me and my heart aches. If that day ever comes, i swear that my heart will forever be empty but yours will always be in my hands. You've made me addicted to you honey, so my heart will forever be yours. I love you, and although these words are gold, they are not as simple as they sound. There's so much behind these 3 words, so much to elaborate and specify. You can never measure and estimate how great my 'i love you's are to you. I wonder if any scientist could do a complete research, or if a mathematician could ever count love even.

Love is the ultimate feeling. It shows you the meaning to life. All that youve ever hoped for, Love makes it all worth hoping for. Honey, you gave me faith to believe again. You showed me something different and unique. You are definitely BEAUTIFUL.

So BEAUTIFUL.
That i love you so much.
:D

2007-01-02T02:56:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

thank You fer showing me so much in this life. You proved to me that i could excel if i studied hard in sec 3. You gave me that talent and the gift to play the drums despite me being a girl, and best of all, you showed me how powerful love can be. You found me someone who truly loved me unconditionally, who didnt care about himself but more for me. I pray that You'd teach me how to love him back, just like how he loves me. You let our paths cross and somehow, my love for him turns into something im afraid to let go.

I thank You that he's come to know You. I know that it isnt entirely because of me that he wants to take this step. Let this be a journey and learning experience for him and i pray that You'd be with him always. It wouldnt be easy i know, just like what my dad went through. But You said in the bible that all Christians will inevitably be prosecuted one day.

You know i love Trav. So i pray for our relationship. I thank you for such a great and smooth sailing 8 months with him. I know that You have given him to me and i know he's the one that You'd want me to marry in the future. Im 19, and although some ppl say im still young, i dont think i am.. Sooner or later, i'll have to get married and have kids. I pray that our relationship will be a healthy one and that our love will continue growing. Misunderstandings will be settled easily and especially for me Lord, that you'd make mme a better girlfriend.

I know im not the most perfect girlfriend. I know i do and say things that never make sense to him, but it's how i feel. I know that sometimes im unreasonable and selfish, but i pray that You'd make it all go away. I pray that we'd learn to settle our disagreements properly and still afford a kiss or two at the end. I want to be a better girlfriend Lord. I dont want to blame myself for every misunderstanding that happens. I do not want to hurt him..

I am not liked by anyone's parents. I think im their girlfriend from hell. Who would want their son to be dating a rocker who dresses weirdly, or who has black eyes lik a panda bear? For me, it hurts because right from the start, i wish Trav's parents would accept me for who i am. I wish they'd see how much we both love each other and not judge. I pray that You'd take away that feeling. The feeling of not being able to get along with his parents. When will they understand?

But Lord, thank You for making Trav so BEAUTIFUL.

Amen.

2006-12-27T00:12:00.000+08:00

Hmm..

My lappie's down at the moment. Gotta get it fixed soon, but fer now honey volunteered to lend me his until it's repaired. Thanks honey! :D

I juz dont understand some ppl. They never change even after 22 yrs of experiencing life. Omiegawd.. Browsing through your friendster profiles and blogs, i juz cant help but laugh to myself. I dont understand why youre so attracted to underaged girls who know nothing about life. Are you a pedophile or something? They're in secondary school for goodness sake! They dont even look like they know anything at all. I bet youve been telling them lies all these while, juz like what you used to tell me.

When i look at you, i do not think of the past but of how pathetic you are now. Havent you realised that lying got you nowhere? Why are you still at it? Ewl.. It's disgusting just thinking about it.

Stop calling me out of the blue telling me you want to catch up. I thought i could give you a chance to at least try to be ur friend and trust you. But yet again, you couldnt help but tell me lies. The thing is, youre lying to cover up little things that dont even need to be covered. And your lies are so stupid and dumb! Gawwd.. At least lie properly! I wish youd juz go away, rot and die!

Grrr..

Then things dont seem to be that easy at work either. Look managers/supervisors/ store-in-charge, ive been here for more than a yr so i know what i am doing. Stop telling me to do things, and stop pushing me around! Stop making me do things fer you guys. Everytime i come in the morning, i see everything not done.. It's like wth?! Do i always have to do everything fer you guys?! The espresso machine is like gonna die any moment now..

I feel so disconnected from you guys.. I dont have a life here.. You guys dont even know how to work together, how do you expect to show an example to all the part timers? Gawwd.. Dont worry, my time here will be up soon.. Juz dont miss me when im gone..

Thanks honey fer being my pillar of strength. I love you.. :D

2006-12-07T17:23:00.000+08:00

Heeyss!! Sheeks.. I realised i havent been blogging fer months and months and months.. But wad the heck, im back!! :P

It's finally the hols, but yet not quite since i hafta work almost daily. But its good coz it keeps the money rolling in.. Wahahaa!! I've been thinking what to spend my December pay on, possibly lotsa shopping and more SHOPPING!! Omiegawd, i so work to spend man.. lawls..

Eva's December shopping list:
1.Creative MP3 Player fer honey
2. Indie cap from Roxy
3. Birkenstock Sandals (honey's buying! :P)
4. Make up
5. New set of clothes
6. Drummer tape

There's pretty much more but i cant remember the rest. :P

Anyway, spent almost an hour practicing on the drums. Must say that it's actually a good source of exercise man coz i sweat ALOT! Heh.. Have been trying to lose some weight lately as well.. Think it's working coz some ppl from work commented that i shrank.. lols.. But it's still hard to lose weight coz im always surrounded by food, especially at work. Plus, ive got no choice but to eat at Spinelli's coz im broke fer the month and food's free at work. Drink lotsa water! :D

OoO! I love Christmas! :D It's such a romantic holiday.. Glad im not gonna spend it alone, or with some half hearted person.. *Lights up* :D

To all, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! yayys! :D

2006-11-02T20:22:00.000+08:00

Yep.. No one loves you like i love you. :D

I am so touched by this song..

Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Enjoy!

2006-10-19T00:26:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i am so afraid of having a boyfriend, not because i think that being single is a treasure but because of whatever unhappiness we'd have to go through in a relationship. What if the person you thought was meant for you, turned out to be just another infatuation? What if he or she isnt happy with who you really are although he or she continues to give you his or her best? Would you think you werent doing enough? Would you think you werent doing your best as a girlfriend or boyfriend?

What has gone into me? I tried to be okay and i tried to be how i am when im happy. But i only felt more rejected by you. I guess you were somehow or rather affected by my words, and for that i cant blame you. I tried to make things better by being myself, talking and laughing. Looking at you, just like how i always do but still i felt like i wasnt wanted.

It is hard to be my boyfriend isnt it? I know.. I dont understand why either..

Im sorry if i seemingly turned cold tonight. I promised to love you no matter who you are or what you do, so i cannot judge. Nothing that you do would change who you really are and thats why i love you. Id support you in any way but please do not give up on yourself. Smoking for example. When you tell you wanna quit, go all out to do so.. If you cant do it, do let me know..

Today is so not my day.

2006-10-17T23:45:00.000+08:00

Havent been feeling well these few days. Caused by the haze i guess. 2 more weeks till exams and assignments are due and this is happening to me. Why couldnt it happen earlier? Heh. Thanks to Trav who has been buying and feeding me that not so nasty Nin Jiom cough syrup, (It kinda taste like honey.. HAha!) cooking my lunch and forcing me to gulp down glasses of water. Haha.. :D Thank you sweetie.. Kindness appreciated..

My dream right now other than getting married to my ultimate soulmate (you guys know who it is.. Heh) is to use my voice, as a tool to hopefully make people go "Wow!". Heh.. It is to let others appreciate the unique and different tone that my voice has in my singing. Just like The Yeah Yeah Yeahs (theyre like my role models now), Karen O's voice is so unique and different from other singers, yet it is appealing and appropriate for the genre. Listenin to them is like taking a step further to being a great singer.

And it's the same for being a drummer. Although i dont really have a drummer for a role model (i might consider Travis Barker), i guess it's how much you listen rather then how much you practice coz eventually, youd be getting bits of ideas from other drummers, not just yourself. Like my arranging lecturer (although im hardly ever in class) says, "Nobody is original. Ideas are often copied". That is like so true..

Oh well.. its not time for me to slack and laze around anymore. There's so much to do and im not starting anything.. Sheekss..

2006-10-16T01:22:00.000+08:00

I miss my childhood. I miss the frequent trips to my cuzzie's house when i was in primary school. I miss the sleepovers we'd always have, either playing badminton or riding our bikes in the afternoon. I miss those late nights, and i miss the video games.

As we get older, we tend to get busier and busier. We're so engrossed with our own personal life that our personal relationships with others drift so far apart. Where's the times we used to have and share?

People change physically. Sometimes people change in the things they do. But theyre still the same person in the inside! How long has it been since we've seen each other? Or have a long talk under the blankets? I have no idea when..

2006-10-11T02:03:00.000+08:00

Went jamming at Beat Merchants today. Nope, not with Doll Trash but some other band that WS got together. A few weeks ago, i approached him to set up another band so that i could do vocals. So he got together a few of his friends, including a really good bassist. (OMG, he can really play bass!) Anyway, all was well. The band played great, except for a few flip flops here and there. I was quite surprised at what my voice could do, especially the gore part. Man!! I sang gore for the first ever time!

Sadly, i felt a little left out and even tho everyone could play really well, there wasnt a single chemistry within each of us. I guess, itll be a little hard for me to finally stand in the front instead of always being at the back behind the drumset. Furthermore, i didnt really like the fact that pple judge me thru what they see. As in, "Oh! Eva's smoking a ciggie. She's a bad bad notti girl.." Nobody said anything after jamming(except when i smsed to ask), so i assumed that i sucked and that made me feel low for the rest of the night.

Maybe, it's better that i stick at the back of the drumset instead of in fronta the mic stand. Sorry WS,, it wouldnt work.

I love singing. But i never knew itll be this pressurizing.. Urghh.. :(

2006-10-07T01:05:00.000+08:00

Omiegawd! :D Im so glad life is going fine for me, except for the fact that my parents are from a totally different universe from me. Anyways, I still do not understand why that longing for you is so GREAT! I mean, its a really positive thing. In fact, it's growing so much day by day that i dont even mind not understanding.. Heh!

Youre the only person who in my entire life, treasure and doesnt take things for granted. Sometimes im so afraid that loving you too much would be a bad thing. What if i ever lose you? It's gonna be so painful and i dont think i might be able to take it. Or what if i go too far? I'd be too possessive over you and our relationship might turn into an unhealthy one. Nevertheless, youre my heartbeat and you keep me going. Im happy with you now and i hope itll stay this way forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and... Yea.. EVER!

Singing. I just love singing.. Thanks Trav for the motivation! :D Ive been learning so much from my baby. Not that he teaches me how to sing but, he sorta shared his influences with me. Now im so determined to sing like PJ Harvey or Karen O.. Wow.. Such amazing vocals.. I juz cannot do classical vocals.. Eeks.. Still wondering how im gonna pass my technical exam for mainstudy this semester.. I love all those female vocalist with a little roughness in their voice, (Juz like PJ and Karen O!) coz its so unique and rockstar-ish.. Haha! :D You dont even need technique for that.. Heh.. Screw main study man!!

Ok, gtg sleep soon.. Grrr..

2006-09-30T00:58:00.000+08:00

I cannot believe that youd be the one whom im gonna spend the rest of my life with. It's amazing and unbelievable really. Who would have known that id be so madly and deeply in love with someone whom i met on the internet, 3 years ago. I cannot explain how i feel and how fortunate i am to be feeling this way. All i know is that you really love me, and i can sense it and i am sure of it.

I do not care about what anyone would say about you, and this includes my parents. I do not care whether theyve got the wrong impression of you because only i know who you truly are to me. I know whatever that has happened was horrible and embarassing for you, but despite that you never changed. I loved it when you came up with that idea coz its so funky! Haha.. I know i sound a little unserious by saying that but i am serious abt spending my whole life with you. Despite our differences in background, religion, (blahhx) I know you are the one for me coz ive never met anyone like you.. Yep.. I am gonna marry you.. I said it! I will MARRY you! :D

Its been more than 5 months that we've been together and ive never felt our love fade away. It's always growing stronger and stronger each day despite certain events. You showed your love for me through little kisses on the forehead, whispering "i love you"s, kissing my little hand and giving me big hugs. Thank you Trav, for always being there for me, for always reminding me that you love me(and always will), for sacrificing so much of your time and money and for giving me so much motivation and inspiration. You are one of a kind..

You telling me that im all you ever want in your life right now is a treasure. Sometimes i just wanna cry silently (not coz im sad) and hug ur arm until forever. I dont want this to go away.. I love spending my time with you, and that's partly the reason why i dont wanna go home early. I dont wanna end the day so soon and head home where i cant be with you. In fact, id start missing you right away.. Youre a treasure..

I love u Trav, and all i ever want is to go far away.. Where no one's gonna stop me from seeing you, or take you away from me.. Where its just gonna be the both of us living a carefree life..

2006-09-17T00:26:00.000+08:00

It has been almost five months with the love of my life. Recently, things were'nt really as smooth going as we thought it would continue to be. I thought we had the same dreams and the same passion in the things we were doing together. To me, it was something i really treasured coz i felt that we connected through what we shared in our passion for playing music. You are like my partner in crime, my twin, my right hand. Not having the same dreams would mean us going in different directions, which would lead to the fall of Doll Trash, (omg, sounds like history class) which would also mean us not playing together in the band. I'd feel like as if ive lost my other half, my motivation and my true passion for playing music in the first place.

Although we arent really as similar as we thought we were in our dreams, i know you still love your music and the want to strum for more riffs and tunes would never disappear. I know that DollTrash has made an impact for you, just like how it has for me. Im glad we didnt let the "problem" persist and the sadness to linger, unsettled. Im glad we didnt choose to let it get into our relationship, but coming to think of it now, i dont find any reasons to why it should.. :D

Im sorry i ever allowed my mood to be inflicted upon you. If i ever did in the past, ill tell you honestly now that i never meant a word i said. And i look up to you for putting up with me despite the fact that you couldnt understand me at times.. Well, neither could i understand myself.. Sometimes a little gesture would ignite a flame but, you know how i am.. And you try your best to make me feel better even though sometimes you fail.. :P Haha..

Youre my heartbeat.

You know i can never do without you. I always promise that id be a better gf but i gez im not doing my job as well as you are.. Well im not implying that its a job/chore to be a better gf.. :P I just want to express myself to you, and to let you know and be sure that i really love you with all my heart. All these obstacles coming our way, are just tests for us to go through.. Im sure we'd be able to kick its ass just fine! I promise that its only gonna make us stronger. Whether we're similar in our thinking or not, im still gonna love you wholeheartedly coz youre THE ONE for me..

I love you.

2006-09-12T00:24:00.000+08:00

Everytime i look at my parents and then at ourselves, i get really frightened. Is this what happens after more than a decade of marriage? Is this how a marriage is gonna be when we're 50 years of age? Despite how great we are together and how loving we are, my parents are making me doubt somehow. You tell me you know its not gonna be that way coz youre just really positive about that. I wanna believe you.

And i know that im not even doing my part as a gf. I dont know what im doing to us.. I dont wanna be like the others.. Sheeks.. i cant be bothered to think right now. My head is in a mess.. Why does my parents have to be so different from other parents? The way they think, its so straight and all.. They cant even handle their own relationship, much less handle their kids..

I gez id just try to be a different person.

2006-09-02T00:53:00.000+08:00

I am so not band leader material. Someone please take over my job! It's not easy leading a band consisting of 3 guitarists, 2 keyboardists, 1 bassist, a drummer and 2 vocalist! That's like 9 people in total.. I just wish that theyd come into the studio more prepared, and i just wish my voice would be a little more consistant.. How can i not sing the songs that i handpicked myself?! Omiegawd..

I am so ashamed..

I feel so paranoid.. I dont wanna think so much.. I just wish my mind would only concentrate one one thing - SCHOOL. My transcription exam is almost 4 days away and im lagging one lesson behind in arranging.. Stupid me.. I feel so stupid! I am STUPID! Just wanna shut myself from the world sometimes so that i wont think of any negative thoughts that come to mind. I wonder if youd understand.. I think one day you wouldnt care anymore.. It'll be too much for you to handle.. Thats why i say im stupid and i just hate myself for that..

I just love how we are with each other. Im so used to our "closeness" or lets say, our everyday contact with each other that its so weird not getting to hold ur hand for at least 24 hrs. It's a paranoid feeling coz ive been seeing too much of you.. This is bad.. Blah blah blah blahhh,,,

Stop it Ev..

Alright,, Seesha-ed with Nick and Marcus after jamming today.. It was quite a great experience, but it just needed a bit of alcohol to make it an even better experience.. Nick was talking about how bad the service was at times.. (It was his usual seesha chill-out place) They'd take a longer time to serve chinese than malay customers. Wanted to chill longer, but i didnt think it was a good idea to stay out that late without Trav there with me.. Better to be safe than sorry! :D Grr.. Damn shagged.. Alrite! Time to head to dreamland!

I can never live without you.

2006-09-01T01:17:00.000+08:00

It is such a turn off to see guys oggling at girls in bikinis in men mags.. I mean, i know they have their needs and stuff but at least they dont have to drool! OMG!! Just go hide in one corner and wank there instead of doing it in public! Ewl.. Major turn off.. Sickos..

Anyway, Doll Trash is now one member short.. Our bassist(She's not our EX bassist! Never will.. She's always a part of us! :D), decided to leave and now we're kinda like "auditioning" for a new bassist. Gawd, it was so emotional last night.. I felt like crying but i told myself, NO! I will not cry.. Cindy has been a great friend and band mate. Shared all kinds of experiences together and they'd never be forgotten. :D
"Auditioned" two bass players yesterday.. I didnt think they suit the band coza genre differences.. They were more into the punk scene while we were more into the alternative rock scene. (I think. :P) But anyhow, i think we've found our new bassist - Well, not really that new since i've worked with him quite a number of times. Woo! Cant wait for the new Doll Trash to start off! Say hello to new originals, and say hello to our new sound!

Gonna be really busy the next few days.. I've got one 2 hr practice tml at beatmerchant's for pop ensemble, (not including a 90 min long pop/jazz theory lecture in school tml afternoon) music practice in church the day after, another 2 hr long practice at wake me up music production studio for pop workshop and a 3 hr practice for lunchtime concert after that on sunday. On top of that, ive got lotsa other homework to do.. Grr!! Transcription exam is in a week and im so not prepared! :(

Sigh..Maybe you were too tired.. I shouldnt have played around with you.. Maybe i was just being selfish - AGAIN.. Oh well, wont be seeing you for the next two days since ive got so much to do.. Yep, i dont know how you understand me either.. Thanks for that comment, it struck me right in the face. As much as i love how close we are to each other, somtimes i hate being far from you.. I guess we spent too many times being TOO CLOSE to each other.. Maybe a some little holes and gaps in between would do us good.. Oh well, i know nothing is perfect and so are we - Although we are close to that.. haha..
Im too immature.. Im just too crazy over you.. You drive me so crazy that i just flip over and electricute myself.. *Youch!*

Arrr.. My dad lost my phone bill! How am i gonna pay my bills now? Grrr..

2006-08-27T20:25:00.000+08:00

Somehow, im thinking like how a mother should think. Somehow im thinking about how i want my kids to grow up, what kind of education i want for them and what i want to give them as a parent. Somehow me and Trav are talking about life in the future, and how prepared we are about it. (Even though we dont want to be parents now of course!) It's like, he's suddenly come out with an idea of a joint account. It's like he's really so serious about saving for ourselves for the sake of our future. Im glad he's serious though, coz it shows that he wants our relationship to step into another level - Hopefully the marriage level.

I know and am prepared for what's gonna happen in the future. We know what we want for each other. We know that we are gonna be a great loving parents in the future. (Not forgetting whacky too!) But we also know that there'd be alot of obstacles coming our way. It will be inevitable because of our differences in our backgrounds. I dont blame him and the more i dont want to withdraw away from the fact that we'd make a great married couple. (Although ive got to admit that it almost happened) Like you said trav, Through Thick And Thin we'd go through this together. :D

GrR.. I've never been so tired this much this school term. So many things have been happening, so many homework to do, so many things to prepare for and so much revision to do. My bed has never felt more comfortable. Have got my songs ready for pop ensemble. It's so not easy being band leader!! I havent even gone to the jamming part.. Lord, please watch over my ensemble and please let them be ready and prepared.. :D Thank you!

Oh well, Happy belated 4 months Trav baby! Haha.. Time's really passing so fast.. Looking forward to more with you! *winks* I love you! Mwahs!

2006-08-14T00:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i feel so selfish, and its only me to blame.. Im sorry i ever felt shitty for no reasons. Im glad you not only understood how i felt, but also how youd deal with it.

I love your patience. I wonder who could ever understand me like you do. I dont know whether id think this way again, but with you, maybe not for a long time..

We were sitting at our usual spot(Well not exactly) watching the fireworks. I thought i was already sick and tired of those colorful things, but somehow they made me smile and gaze in mesmerization. It felt like as if a happy seed was growing inside me and it spread all the way from its core to the outer layer of my body. I couldnt think of anything else but just to enjoy that moment with you.

You are right. We always leave our usual spot feeling happy and refreshed. I dont know how, but of course, its a good thing. Im so glad youre doing so much for me. There's too much to mention. You have my support sweetie, and i salute you for trying to kick your smoking addiction. You are a rare gem.. :D

Slap me for being such a bitch.

2006-08-12T01:50:00.000+08:00

Im having the TTD again - Temporary Temperament Disorder. Though it sounds so easy and simple, it's vicious. Stay away from me coz im unstable. I usually have this a week before my period starts. But wth! I juz finished my period a few weeks ago so it cant be! Grr..

Ive been feeling this way ever since yesterday.. I hate talking and listening to the past.. It juz ignites whatever that im afraid of that would happen.. When i thought i was over them, it just burns and come alive again.. Maybe i just dont like listening to you talking about your past coz it makes me uncomfortable or maybe a teenie weenie bit jealous. (I mean the opposite when i say "Teenie Weenie") I dont like being jealous.. I wished i was "Jealous - Proof" or something.. I hate saying stuffs to you and end up feeling all shitty afterwards.. I just dun wanna sound as if im controlling your life.. What's wrong with me?!

See.. Im not such a perfect soulmate after all..

I remember all the things i used to think abt when i was with my exes.. All the thoughts juz fills my head until i thought i was going mental or something.. Id cry for no reason at all, get angry when no one pissed me off. I was worse than now.. Yep, we dont argue (which is great) but the way im having these stupid temperaments, i dont know how we're gonna end up.

I know i didnt talk to you. Coz i intended not to.. I didnt hold your hand. Coz i intended not to. I almost cried at work when Glenn asked me what i wanted to do for closing. Like, wtf?! That wasnt even a reason for a normal person to cry.. Went to the back room and felt like screaming to the wall.. Too bad you werent there.. It was so bad that i even told myself that if i finished early (or late), id either head home on my own or wait for you without telling you im done. Ok, maybe im jealous coz i didnt know where you went.. Maybe to Esplanade to chill or something and that person wasnt me.. See, how dumb i can get?! I dont even understand why i feel this way.. Omiegawd.. God help me...

Dear God, will you please make me jealous - proof?

Urgh.. Yea well, im not that perfect soulmate after all.. Didnt know why i asked you that question last night.. "If i left you behind without a word, what would you do?" I juz felt that one day, if i were to give you too much trouble, having all these thoughts and all, the only way would be to say goodbye without a word.. Just like what i wrote in one of my journals..

I love you.. I gez i love you way too much that i end up feeling this way. Its bad for me.. I dun even understand why or how i feel this way.. I dont wanna be like any normal girl you meet on the street, or any of the girls that you had a relationship with,, Im Eva Marie and i want to be different.. But it looks like im not so different after all..

Get these thoughts outta my head!! GRRrr..

2006-07-18T01:10:00.000+08:00

i know ive been a little moody these days. I dont know why all those thoughts seem to gush into my brain, leaving you a little stranded. These thoughts may not be new and i get irritated by them too. Somehow, im still finding ways to make them go away. Maybe im just too emotional and afraid due to my past experiences. Maybe im having these thoughts because im still tormented by what ive been through before..

Ive been through deceit which i mistakenly thought was love.
Ive been kept in the shadows when i thought i'd be living a dream.

I know you are trying your best to comfort me. And trust me, youre doing alot for me already. You want me to let it out on you, instead of keeping it inside. But sweetie, i cant bear to do that. I'd rather cry myself to sleep than to let your heart be broken by my words. We've got a unique relationship and its something ive never dreamt of having.

Everytime i look at our pictures, i feel more than fortunate to be with you. Sometimes i blame myself for the little problems we've got. If i didnt have those thoughts, i wouldnt be crying all the time and you wouldnt be worried for me. But then on the other hand, you've been a great soulmate. Youve been doing countless sacrificial things to make me happy and you wouldnt expect anything in return. A little touch from you say so much.

I feel so ashamed of these doubts that sometimes, i wouldnt dare to look at you. I wanna say "I Love You', looking right into your eyes. I wanna see you every day and not feel like pushing you away coz im afraid id go too deep. I wanna hold your hand so tightly without having the fear of letting go..

The stupid things im doing and thinking about when im loving you.. I hope these things dont make you walk the other direction..

Im sorry.

2006-07-01T01:59:00.000+08:00

I dont know how to feel.. This is love, definitely!("Definitely", the word you always have to help me spell.. Lol :D) Youre doing so much for me.. I just cant help but feel a little useless.. :P Dont get me wrong, its great!! And i will not and NEVER take it forgranted. Im gonna give it all back to you when i can.. :D Youre such a wonderful person, giving and giving and not even thinking twice abt it..

The Esplanade has always been a place full of memories for me.. In my past and of course the present, with you.. It has always been a place of meditation, where soul meets soul.. With you, the Esplanade has not only been just a whole new experience, it has taught me to let go and release my inner self.. I can tell you anything, whether it's good or bad and no matter how complicated it is, youd just give me the solution. Wow.. I wonder how you do that.. :D

The past few weeks have been, like WOW! Haha.. So many things happened.. I hope whatever we did uplifted you in a way.. It's good to see that youve been "rejuvenated", (LOL) and i hope it brings our love to another level.. :D

Spinelli at Raffles City is getting busier nowadays, although its still a little inconsistent. Work is still fun though, unlike how it used to be at China Square.. Im able to display all of my character here - Be it being bored, hyper, lame or dopey, and i dont get mocked or criticised. Ive made many new frenz who are far more exciting and easier to click with. :) Whoopiiee! I guess its a blessing in disguise after all! I freaking hate opening!! Im not really a morning person and doing the opening shift makes me all dopey and blur.. Gawd!
I still make occasional trips down to China Square to visit my ex colleagues and of course, to use my Spin Bucks! Man.. talking abt Spin Bucks.. Spinelli is really stingy abt giving them out to part timers.. It's only fair that we get out usual 20 dollars Spin voucher rather than the 10 dollars that we're getting.. Dont understand why the company has to be so freaking stingy.. The CEO owns Peninsula Hotel for goodness sake! He's a rich bastard.. Probably has several different families he returns home to every day.. One in a 12-room mansion in 6th Avenue, and another in a 3 story penthouse in Four seasons park perhaps.. Blah! Just give me my 20 dollar Spin Bucks already!! GrRrr..

Ok well, you do not like me when im angry.. But for now, im okay! *Smiles sweetly* =D Gonna go get my new glasses tml.. Can hardly see with my current one that ive been using since secondary 2.. Hope i choose the right one.. Dont wanna end up looking geeky in black rimmed spectacles.. wAHHAhaha! Ok, its late and im keeping my prince (He calls me princess, so.. He's my PRINCE! :D) waiting for me online.. Heh.. Nitey peeps!! *Snorex*

2006-06-24T01:02:00.000+08:00

HAPPY 2ND MONTH ANNIVERSARY TRAV BABY!!! :D

2006-06-22T00:20:00.000+08:00

Have been trying to write for the past few days. Sadly, ive kinda lost touched. I couldnt really fit words into my vocal melody and my guitar accompaniment didnt even sound right. But im trying! Ive been inspired and i know its just there waiting to be triggered..! :D
Watched this foreign talent at the Esplanade by accident today. She inspired me.. She made me realise that simplicity is a beauty. I always wanted my lyrics to be complicated shit that no average person would understand, but then again ive learnt that that doesnt always count. Her lyrics are so laid back, and with just a little strumming here and there from her guitar, she could create such wonderful compositions.. I was like, I wanna do that!!

There's so much i can learn. In fact, it's never ending.. Like my drumming for instance, i wanna do more.. I wanna learn more and be a better drummer.. I can never be satisfied.. Ive had such great experiences in the past month, jamming and writing music with Doll Trash, gigging and busking on the streets.. The ideas that we all have for the future, its all exciting! Haha..

And the best thing is that im sharing all these with my sweet! It's a great thing that we're doing all these together coz then there'd be neither giving nor taking. Wow.. How amazing the past month has been for us.. Ever since the first day, we have grown so much together. So many things ive never thought could possibly happen, happened and best of all, they were no mistakes. Ive never regretted being with you and i guess i never will. Even stoning seems fun when im with you.. Haha.. And yes, i do agree with that lady on the bus. We are a cute couple.. So cute that we're like no ordinary couple.. I love you.. :D

2006-06-07T00:14:00.000+08:00

SSF06 went pretty well, even though i was nervous at the beginning. It was my first ever gig and i was so freaking surprised to see so many (not realli that many but close enuf)people watching us play! Man.. I was so encouraged! Well, dropped my sticks once, but thank God it wasnt obvious. *Phew* Never had so much fun in my entire life, and never for a long time have i felt so hyper after that! hAha..

I wanna thank all those people who came to support Doll Trash.. You guys are the best! It's so encouraging to have that support since it's like our first ever gig.. Woo!

Had so much fun with my sweet! You mean so much to me.. It's been 43 days since we've been together.. It's not a long one, but it sure feels long.. hEh.. Id always be speechless.. I dont know what to say because no words can express your love for me.. You sacrifice so much, and yet you never complain. There's so much that we share.. Just today, we shared so much about ourselves - the similarities and the differences.. And while watching X-menIII, just your arms around me, it's a different feeling.. Youre not like the others.. Youre unique and special.. It's like there's only one of you in the world.. Why didnt we happen sooner?? Oh well.. :D

ILoveYou.

I have a feeling its gonna last. Even though we're different in our backgrounds, we're still so carefree and the future doesnt seem to be a bother at all. For a long time, i feel loved and wanted. For a long time, someone actually loves me for who i am. No changes required, no additional stuffs added.. Youre someone really special..

Youre my soulmate. And its you whom im gonna spend my entire aging life with. :D

Once again,
ILoveYou.

2006-06-01T20:53:00.000+08:00

I am sick. Down with a flu and 5 degree celcius away from a fever. Man.. SSF06 is just 3 days away! This cannot be happening to me.. I just ate fruits for lunch, plus a teeny weeny bit of junk food. How can i get sick? Im really trying my best to cut down on all those junk.. Haha..

Gonna get my hair done on saturday. Will be doing half a digital perm on my hair. Appointment's already made and i am so ready to go ahead with it. It's time to say goodbye to my straight hair and hello to a new physical me. So much has happened in my life over the past year. All those depressing, sad and troubled entries were, i gez kinda irritating eh? Oh well.. That was just a phase. Now it's another era of my life.

I dont want us to die out. That's what im most afraid about - Losing you. I gez youre afraid of that too, which is a good thing. :P I juz wanna keep holding on to you and no one else coz we're so strangely connected and i havent experienced anything like this before. The chemistry is like, WOW! hHAha..

Ok anywayz.. Got our venues for Doll Trash's gig at SSF06 already.

4th June 2006 Youth Park 9.45pm

9th June 2006 Youth Park 7.30pm

15th June 2006 Plaza Singapura 8pm

2006-05-30T20:30:00.000+08:00

Love is such a beauty. How can you be upset when you are loving someone? I used to think that to feel pain and hurt is to love someone, but ive got it all wrong. Tell yourself why do you love that someone. Dont love that person just because he pays for ur dinner, or has the cutest smile. Honestly, you just know it when you love someone. You'd just feel uplifted and different. You'd feel happy, wild and "not yourself".

Love means happiness.

If loving someone upsets you, why carry on loving? Why indulge yourself in sadness all the time? It's not healthy and you shouldnt feel this way. It's just gonna bring you down even further and wat are you gonna get outta that? I am oblivious to the fact that you've got problems at home as well. Try listening to what your family's trying to tell you. It might help.

You will not know what you'd get into, until you get into it. So if things are so drastically bad right now, dream about it instead of yearning and asking for it. Avoid making mistakes coz there gonna be the same ones as those youve made before. You're gonna feel worse if you repeat them.

I cant believe im writing all these. I used to feel the way youre feeling too. But there's just so much more to life than to think sad thoughts. But somehow, im not feeling that way anymore because ive found someone who've unlocked that inside of me. So if someone's gonna hold a key, but instead of using that to release ur sadness, adds more sadness into ur life, then he's not the one for you. It's just gonna accumulate and blow up one day.

And there's so much more to life than LOVE. If you cant find it, then DONT. Let it come to you, juz like how i did. Trust me, its a treasure being single. Well, its also a treasure being attached - To your SOULMATE, that is. :D

2006-05-26T00:09:00.000+08:00

Ive been looking at your blog, and all you can say is how much you love and treasure what we have. You inspired me to write more, to learn more. Amazingly, i have writtened, composed and played and its all because of you.

You gave me strength in all that i thought i could not do. All the funny ideas, the traits i thought i didnt have just "popped" out when WE happened. Im like a whole new person now. No more sighs and "urgh, i can never do that!"

You have created a whole new meaning to the word "LOVE".

I dont even bother thinking about how itll be like for us in the future, coz i know youre gonna be the person im gonna spend my life with. Like you said, our candle isnt even lit. So why worry when its not ever gonna burn out?

Youre SPECIAL.
Youre UNIQUE.
Youre DIFFERENT.
Youre ME.

And it's great! Coz i can never get bored thinking about you. Youre all i ever wanted, all i ever needed and i bleed just to wanna see you, feel you and touch you..

I.Love.You

2006-05-23T21:10:00.000+08:00

Im opposite Forum now. Juz thought of blogging since i managed to get free internet access from somewhere. Heh..

Oh well.. My audition's this thursday.. Freaking fast i must say.. Was kinda last minute, but surprisingly the band didnt sound too bad. :D Loved the equipment at my fren's place.. Small but sufficient..

Everything's happening so amazingly fast now. Tml marks our first month of being together.. Really amazing.. You understood me, and you loved me for who i am - not to mention, you accepted who i was too. You managed to change me to something better.. That's really a good thing! hEh..

Ok well.. I get excited whenever i think of you! Omiegawd.. It's weird.. hEh..

Hope i make it through foundation year in Lasalle.. Dont want my history and arts management to pull me down.. Dont even know why i have to take those subs.. Makes no sense.. Urgh.. Am so glad its over.. Now its juz my auditions to go thru.. :D

Alright.. Gtg.. Batteries only left with 37 min of battery life.. Oh man.. The connection.. :D

2006-05-19T00:58:00.000+08:00

I am lame - As in literally. The screw of this snare drum stand came loose yesterday while jamming and the whole snare drum fell onto my toe.. What's most hilarious was that i watched it fall, not knowing itll hit my toe.. How dumb!!!

My relationship with you is so different. How can two pple be frenz and yet be together at the same time?
That's us.
It's Special.

I think we all need commitment. If we want to do more than rock the stage, we gotta take note of the itty bitty things. What makes a good musician? Someone who knows their instrument well. He or she should be able to improvise oh their own, know their theory, know different genres. Too bad im not there yet. YET. I will be one day coz it's wat i wanna do - Perform. Im not a good drummer, there are room for improvements and i am so gonna get it. Juz hoping that you guys have got the same passion as ive got. As a band. we gotta share a common goal and interest.. We gotta wanna do the same thing, thats why we're a team. Dont let other stuffs affect what we do. If making good music's what we want, we'll fight to get it. Dont let others brings us down.

Make the effort. =D

2006-05-16T22:23:00.000+08:00

Doll Trash will be performing at the Singapore Street Festival on the 4th, 9th and 15th June!!! WoOoohOOo!! It's like our first ever gig since we got together 3 months ago.. You guys have been great.. It has been a pleasure working with you peeps.. We've begun to work together not only as a team but also as friends in our personal lives. We've begun to understand each other and thats so gonna make us stronger! :D

My life so far has been amazing.. Just a little minor adjustments that i have to make.. You have been a splendid boyfriend, paying so much attention to me and all.. Even though we've known each other for a long time, there's alot of me that you havent seen and there's alot of me that i dont understand as well. I know that it's gonna be a no brainer to you, but to me it's scary.. Im really afraid id do things that wouldnt make sense. I used to have moodswings that would come just suddenly and i wouldnt know what ignited it or why it happened. Sometimes i would feel somehow alone even though the other party's with me. Sometimes, id feel like ive not been paid much attention to and i dont know why id feel this way.. Im a very complicated person, even i myself wouldnt understand.. Maybe im still a little numb.. i just wish it would all go away..

Everything you say to me, are like words of wisdom.. Youre so smart and you make things look so easy.. I wished it could be that easy.. How much are you gonna take? Are you really able to handle me? I love you alot.. I really dont want to see you get hurt coz sometimes i hurt without knowing it.. Well i am gonna make this a different one.. Im gonna make this work out.. Im so not gonna feel discouraged again.. Things are too great for me.. I cant let myself spoil it all.. I love you, and i love it when we touch.. I love it when we jam with the band and you get all crazy and excited.. Then id get crazy and excited too, just that i cant jump around like you do coz im behind the drumset. Haha. Every crazy thing you do, makes me love you more.. Well, that's why i love you, coz youre crazy.. :D

I hope this works out..

2006-05-08T02:00:00.000+08:00

The one person i truly respected, did the unexpectable. The end result: I feel oh so ashamed.. I've come to realise that even the strongest person is able to fall. All this time ive looked up to you, and now i can barely face you. Im disappointed. I feel disgusted just looking through your smses. Never have i imagined.

Ah! My one and only.. It feels great being able to hang out with you, laughing our asses off everything juz like best frenz.. I dont remember being this close to you when we were just frenz.. It feels nice.. We can talk abt anything and everything.. Laugh abt ourselves and at each other.. It's a different feeling altogether..

I dont know whether i made the right choice. Ive hurt so many people in the past and i dont wanna repeat what i did. I love you. Somehow its like this rare, hard-to-come-by event just entered my life and there you are. Someone just like me. The both of us walking back home together, though tiring, but i get to know you from the inside to the outside. We're like superglue. I can never last a day without you.

I gez this is it. This is not like the typical relationships i used to have. It's time for me to change my way of handling a relationship. Youre different. This relationship is different. And i love that difference. That's what makes it all so special. All that you giave me, im gonna give it back to you. No more self-centeredness, no more taking but more of giving. Im not gonna be pampered anymore. Things are gonna change.

I.Love,You

Doll thrash! I love you guys! We really united as a band last friday..! If this goes on, we're gonna rock the stage for sure! :D

I've learnt to put confidence in myself and to stay happy always. in that way, i can play better and concentrate so much more.. Thanks for the advice. Im happy because of you and the band.. We rock! Wooo!

2006-05-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

Got busted a few days ago. Maybe its a good thing. I really should stop.

The past few days have been so hectic. Work is driving me crazy. Why cant i still not handle it even after half a yr? Im supposed to be able to know things and be a little more versatile by now. Am so ashamed.

Maybe its a sign.

I bet you peeps at csc dun even realised ive been gone. Maybe things are a little better that im away. Alot less troublesome perhaps? Plus, there'd be new peeps coming around soon.

It really is a sign.

YOU really keep me going. Things are hell right now but you seem to make it go away all too easily. How'd you do it? I've never known you this way before - Never even thought abt it. All the ideas that you have, they're all so.. Nice and pleasant somehow.. I know this feeling is right..

Even though you tricked me today, i still managed to get what i want - my hot cocoa! *Laughs back at ya* Gotta admit i was kinda pissed at first. But on the other hand, i'd do that too if i were you. WAhHaha! :P So wanted to be nice and get some gelato from the nice restaurant i was dining at. But i figured itll melt even before reaching starbucks. Oh well.. *shrugs*

Friday's jamming day! Finally! I miss those days so much.. I love seeing you jump around with your guitar. Cant help but laugh at that. *hugs*! Doll thrash is so gonna rock the stage at the street festival! Girls, dont worry about screwing up, all we gotta do is just play our music and have fun. That's all that matters.. Dont worry about whether we're good or not to the crowd. We can do it. We're a team and we will rock the stage! :D hEh..

Oh well. I miss your lullabies..

2006-04-26T01:09:00.000+08:00

It's so weird being in love all over again. Lik, youre starting to listen to Racheal Yamagata and Fiona Apple coz their dreamy vocals just makes you float on air. You keep repeating the same songs all over and over again coz it feels as if youre living a fantasy and that smile stay plastered on your face throughout.

It's funny how one can be frenz for so long and yet, have never seen it coming. It's like youve never imagined coz you thought he was juz your really good fren. A really good fren whom you write songs with, sing with, jam with, and have coffee with. All the time youve thought back about how you juz shrugged and simply saying "Nah, thats so impossible", not realising that all the similarities might juz lead to something..

It's juz so weird.

Funny weird.

Cannot-be-explained weird.

Words-cannot-express weird.

Okay, everything's juz weird. But in a good way. It's happening so quickly, i dont know how to start. Will it be different? All the funny questions.. Whoa scary.. Haa.

2006-04-20T23:54:00.000+08:00

Im curled up like a ball, my arms around my legs hugging them tightly onto my chest. The weather's so cold, especially at night time. It was drizzling slightly in the afternoon anyway - At least there wasnt a thunderstorm like the past few days.

I cant help it. I really cant. Those voices in my head are yelling, screaming, telling me to give up. Nobody likes you. Nobody loves you. Stop trying and quit pretending to be bubbly. I want to scream so loud till everyone in the world turns deaf. But that would probably mean id have no more voice left after.

Why cant i be normal? Why cant i FEEL normal? Urgh.

Why cant i juz feel loved again? Im so unwanted. Why cant i juz do everything right? You do not like me. You would not like me. Not ever. At least thats what i feel. Give it up, girl..

Street Festival.. Cant wait! Please please please let it be fun and enjoyable! Really dont wanna screw up on that day. Ill do my best, i promise! :D Doll Thrash will rock the stage! Wont let you guys down.. :)

Sheeks!! How am i gonna get rid of acne in less than 24 hrs?? Of all days, it had to happen to me now.. I've tried lotsa various ways.. Toothpaste, acne treatment cream, not putting make up (now thats a big sacrifice to me you know!).. Blahh.. Please let it be ok by tml morning.. Then, i'd conceal it with foundation.. UrGhHh.. Ugly duckling..! :(

Dont want it to affect my tml...

2006-04-10T22:29:00.000+08:00

Omiegawd!!

I so dun wanna be in love, i so dun wanna be in lovee!!! I so dun wanna feel the pain of being rejected again.. Now you know why im always pessimistic about myself.. Im ugly, plus ive got no life..

You'd definetly not like me..

I can see it.. It's so obvious.. I really enjoyed what we shared today.. I cant hide the fact that youre so much like me in a way.. Stop being like me!! It's super scary.. Its making me smile more, feel more.. Oh noo.. I dont even know you that well..!

Boring.. That's what you must think of me.. You'd never wanna see me again.. I'd expect no more smses from you from tml onwards.. I'd say goodbye to you forever.. Then that'll be it..

I dont even know why im feeling this way.. I dun even know you.. Who are you? Youre average, although you smell good.. Youre sweet, extremely cute in a way.. Youre a gamer, but then.. Howd it be like kissing you? Gawd..! I think im paranoid and mentally insane.. Yep, thats what you might think too..

*Screams*! I dun wanna fall in love again!!!

2006-04-06T23:56:00.000+08:00

Why is it that i am not able to click with my peers at work? Do you guys always have to sulk and sigh when you dont like what you see? Why cant you at least give me some encouragement or enlighten me a little.. Sheeks.. I know i havent been working alot lately ever since school started, but cant you see that im trying my very best to make you guys happy?

Maybe i am just too non versatile.. Ive been working for 6 months and i cant even handle slams.. I cant make a quality drink and i am still confused.. Someone please help me.. I am really slow and sometimes you pple juz dont understand..

Dont get me wrong.. I love the crew.. You guys are fun loving pple and i love chilling out with ya all but.. When it comes to work, we juz cant click.. It's like as if ive been brought down.. Yes, i am disappointed with myself abt that but please dont make it worse for me coz i am trying very hard.. I juz dont understand why im not able to laugh, joke and goof around with my seniors at work.. Everyone's so serious that it becomes scary.. *Shrugs*

Anyway.. *Toot* my past entries.. *Toot* my old life coz ive decided to look forward and not look back.. But then, it doesnt mean that my crap would stop.. heh.. Im over and done with my past life and im never gonna regret that.. If you guys must know, yepz i got over the guy.. YippeEe! Free at last.. hAha.. =D

Am so tired.. Exams tml.. Gonna die big time.. urGhh!!

But then again.. The holz are coming! Woo!

2006-03-26T01:51:00.000+08:00

Arent you even gonna reply me? I dont mind waiting for your answer, but its the end result that counts. Maybe one day, you and i shud talk to each other one on one. Then i can tell from your face whether youre for real.

Did i really sit beside you during the movie today? Wanted so much to grab your arm and squeeze it tight when anticipating a scary scene. Wanted so much to bury my head into your chest when i couldnt bear to watch a thing. Wanted so much to hug you around your neck when it felt a little too cold. Why did Romeo had to pick such a movie in the first place?!

How long do i have to wait until id know whether i still stand a chance? I want to put an end to that stupid feeling in my tummy when youre around. Always trying my best to ignore you so as to not let myself get carried away. You have no idea how badly i want to hold you in my arms again.

But then again, arent you having a great life now that im not part of your life anymore? You dont have to worry about sending me home or paying for dinners. Best of all, you get to club almost every weekend without worrying about me being unhappy.

Believe me.. If you could take me back, i wouldnt give a single shit about these things anymore. You are all i want in my life.. Nothing else matters..

2006-03-25T01:00:00.000+08:00

Read through our past conversation histories. Laughed at most of it - Well, your cuteness that is. I dont know how it ended up like this. I knew at a slight point that i could save it all but i decided to ask you that stupid question. If i could, i would take it all back, but would you even let me?

All i know is that im deeply, madly in love with you still. All the wrongs that ive done, its all because of you. And now that ive decided to let that turning point lead me, its all because of you too. I just gotta make it through to you. I still love you and i just wanna know whether i'd ever get that chance say "i love you" to you again.

Almost everyone knows about our relationship and our break up. Almost all of them could tell. It's like my mind's screaming out to them indirectly that im still so much in love with you and i want you back. I dont wanna reveal whatever's private and confidential but somehow, it just wants to be discovered. Sometimes its not that i wanna tell them abt our life. It's just that i needed solutions to our problems and i just couldnt find them then. Im sorry if i ever did...

Should i still wait for you? Would you take me back eventually? I just want you to know that i still love you.. Very much..

2006-03-13T23:20:00.003+08:00

Im beginning to put my life back together piece by piece. Things are going rather well - The fact that we've started smiling, talking and gradually laughing at each other again. It's been so long since ive seen you smile at ME. It's like we've completely forgotten what we used to go through as a couple. We're friends again, and aint that great?

Well, you still make me fizzle inside and you make me want you even more. I dont know whether you know it, and i dont know whether you shud know. That i still want you.. Alot more than i used to..

I still want to meet new pple, be as cheerful as i used to be, laugh my head of and be my own crappy self. I still want to oggle at guys and dream about "The One". And yet i still love you..

Am i crazy or wad? haha..

2006-02-27T23:55:00.000+08:00

"Be Be Your Love" - Rachael Yamagata

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love

It was the longest that we've talked on the phone ever. Believe me, i was surprised you called. I was reminded of the days. You didnt like talkin on the phone, so we hanged up early most of the times. It's so nostalgic. I mean, ive been feeling nostalgic ever since we broke up but tonight, it was so intense.
I dont know why, but i couldnt seem to react appropriately then. I was either always talking to you too fast until i tripped over my words, or i had nothing to say at all. Yes, i miss you but what else can i do about it? Forgive me for always being so stupid around you. I hope you'd still love me for that.

Thank you for still wanting to see me. Did you mean that?

Sometimes i blame myself for asking you that question. "Are you still interested in this relationship?" Maybe if i hadnt asked, it wouldnt end. But then, if it didnt end, would i realise i still had this "fetish" for you? If it didnt end, would i realise that my love for you had grown? It might just be a happy ending in disguise after all. Im standing right here, not budging a milimetre, waiting for you.

My heart still skips a beat when i think of you, just like the first time i set my eyes on you. It's kinda scary sometimes.. =D I will be waiting..

Wore my super high-cut sneakers to school today. It went right up to the bottom of my knees. I so love black, always have.. Wore stockings for the first time in more than 10 years.. Wow..

I wanna be different.. Am not gonna care abt what others think because this is ME.

Have got lotsa jamming sessions coming up. Have never felt so exhausted - Ok, on second thoughts, maybe not. The drumset's trying to get control over me nowadays.. I feel weak, like the drumset's stronger than me and ive lost to it in a match of tug-of-war. The same for my vocals.. What happened to my voice??!! How am i gonna get through auditions for pop ensemble next semester?! UrgH! How frustrating.. *Screams*!

Time for beauty sleep.. Zzzz..

2006-02-25T23:01:00.000+08:00

A box of chocolates. So simple and small, yet thoughtful in a way. You had no idea what to get me for our very first Valentine's Day together, and you had no idea how big a smile it would put on my face. No guy has ever given me a box of chocolates as a prezzie, thats why i found it cute - I wasnt dissatisfied. We had our dinner, then went for a stroll at the Esplanade. For once, it was nothing special nor different, but on the other hand, it was something i had never experienced on this occasion.

For a while, you didnt really seem to be aware of me. All we did, was just meeting up for dinners, and being there while i ran errands. We did have fun together though. I'd laugh at your dumbness and you'd let go off my hands, complaining that they were too sweaty. I loved poking your tummy and you love smelling my hair. Sometimes i dont like it coz to me, they stink.

You are different. So different because you hardly express your feelings towards me. Even though sometimes i felt distant from you, i knew you loved me and i loved you back. You didnt give me the attention that i wanted, and i didnt understand why you did the things you did, but yet i chose to love you. You apologise, saying that youre a lousy boyfriend an a lousy supervisor. You didnt know why you treated me like that and you blamed yourself, but then again, i still love you, and i have no idea why.